October 2, 2009Oh No They Didn't!
Perhaps members believed they were voting for the country that they DIDN'T want to host the games. Or maybe it's all a conspiracy to get the previously discussed O-lympics off the ground and the IOC members are in on it. In any case, after putting their collective foot in America's ass, the IOC did something even more insane. They granted the 2016 Summer Olympic Games to a city renowned for being a debauched, delicious cocktail of samba, sun and sex*. What the hell were they thinking? :-P *Rio is famous for murders too but murders aren't sexy. Besides, throwing that in there jacked with the alliteration, and I know those subtle touches are why you read this blog. 
Posted on 2 October 2009
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Today, the IOC did the unthinkable by telling Oprah, Team Obama and the USOC to go eff themselves right out of the gate. Even Tokyo got to pass "Go" and collect $200, while Chicago and its sad 18 votes had to pack up and go home.
October 1, 2009The Power of O: Chicago Will Score the OlympicsSo the Obamas are in Copenhagen trying to convince the IOC to award the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago. It's logical to think that Chicago is a lock because what member of the international community can resist Barak Obama's charms? Over here, he's like the Second Coming with a splash of Bono, so the mere thought of being massaged by his seductive baritone should make even the most mercurial characters of the IOC weak in the knees. But like men who blurt out "I love you" during sex and don't mean it, the IOC will declare their love for Chicago when Obama delivers a moving speech about the spark, energy and verve of that toddlin' town only to reverse course once they come out of that post-Oh haze. By dinner time, Chicago will be back where it started - scrambling against the intoxicating flora and fauna of Rio, the sentimental favorite in Madrid and the awesomeness of their bribes. If my twenty-odd years on this earth have taught me anything, it is this: you don't fuck with The O. Should the IOC rule against Chicago, Oprah will direct her self-actualized, co-dependent army to boycott the 2012 London games. They won't attend and they won't watch. Christ, some may not even participate. NBC, Coca-Cola and McDonalds won't have the minerals to fight her stand, and by the time the 2016 Games roll around (assuming O hasn't already bought it and shut it down), it will be banished to the Versus Network, where it will compete for airtime against Slam Ball, IndyCar and the World Combat League.
In its place will be the O-lympics, a new brand of games put on by Harpo Productions. It'll be just like the old games but Oprah-fied to be bigger, better, faster, more. Mary Carillo will do features on athletes who live their best lives, while Gayle King takes over Bob Costas' chair at the update desk. Baseball and softball will return, and women who don't know what to watch when gymnastics, swimming and track aren't on will be aided by The O List - a ranking of useless, bullshit pursuits like the biathlon, dressage and power walking that she deems worth the watch. What, you doubt Oprah's ability to pull this off? Anyone who dares go up against her fails with spectacularly disastrous results. Just ask the Texas cattle industry or Hermes or even Chris Brown. Oprah is a post-modern priestess who controls the hearts and minds of 89% of the world's women between the ages of 18 - 75. Her show is seen in 140 countries, and through that medium, she legislates what they eat, drink, read and wear. In Saudi Arabia, she's revered as some sort of mystical goddess, and if she could wrangle the affections of the non-sensitive male, I'd swear she was the Antichrist. Her poor choices in literature ensure that even the most undeserving authors can land on the New York Times Bestseller's List. Her recommendation can turn a barely-getting-by niche operation into a multi-million dollar global behemoth. She got a man elected President* and had the power to shut down Michigan Avenue, one of the busiest streets in the world, so the horrifyingly awful Black Eyed Peas could perform in front of a flash mob. Her mere mention of free gifts I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Oprah was responsible for Jesus Christ's crucifixion. When Pontius Pilate asked, "Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?" Oprah whipped up the crowd for Barabbas and fled the scene, cleverly disguised as a Hebrew mother of twelve. In short, when Oprah says jump, you don't ask how high. You fucking jump and sweat the details when you come back down. What Americans know and members of the IOC had better understand is that this is Oprah's world. The rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut, and if the IOC knows what's best for them, Chicago will be awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. * Oh so vital edit
Posted on 1 October 2009
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causes women to
April 17, 2007Update: Bode Miller Still Missing His Sack
Pardon me while I laugh. A hard ass? Bode must be confused. A hard-ass walks into Turino and beats the fuck out of the competition. A hard ass is intense, fierce, and takes no-nonsense from the competition's beginning to its end. You, Bode Miller, are not a hard ass. Partying with women that look like they were rode hard and put away wet and then coming through with no medals doesn't make make the cut. Thumbing your nose at the USOC, US Ski Team, and international ski federation doesn't help either. Those actions simply make you a whiny bitch that can't live up to hype you helped generate. It may be a newsflash to the Bodester but I vividly recall him signing the multi-million dollar Nike contract on his own -- I don't think he was under pain of death by "the man" to do so. I also remember the Join Body campaign, the countless "Cribs-esque" visits into his life, and all of that Bodhisattva on skis bullshit he was aching for us to buy into and embrace so he'd make more money. This jackass fucked up his own chi and now he wants to whine about it? I refuse. The thing is, I don't blame him for taking advantage of the fame and the millions or even for refusing to give the Olympics another try. What I blame him for is representing a country and having so little respect for his position that the only medal he actually made an effort to bring home had a bottle of Captain Morgan etched on the back. The fact that he can't recognize that, opting instead to blame America's poisoned culture, makes this "too much emphasis on winning" business as laughable as it is disgusting. How Bode Miller can look himself in the mirror after a comment like that completely baffles me. This guy needs to be tarred, feathered, and thrown in a chicken coop. He is unfit. So here it is, Bode. You're a coward that sold out for the fame, money, and women and threw a tantrum when you didn't like the consequences. Face it. Embrace it. Own it. It's the only thing we'll ever remember about you.
Posted on 17 April 2007
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Once again, Bode Miller is executing bad form. Though still enjoying the World Cup circuit, Miller said that if he's still skiing in 2010,
August 31, 2006Who Wants to be a Chinese Olympian? Are you a diminutive person with a god complex and a really loud voice? If so, are you also Chinese or willing to become Chinese and suffer the dregs of Communism for a shot at an Olympic medal? Well, if you fit all of those requirements, then you're a perfect candidate for China's newest reality game show - China Olympic Coxswain Competition! China Central Television is searching for a man and woman from among the nation's 1.3 billion people to man the role of coxswain for the 2008 rowing teams. For the uninformed, the cox is the tiny individual sitting in the stern of a boat with eight rowers that shouts instructions to help steer the boat and motivate the team. The show hopes to ride the popularity of other Chinese reality TV shows in China like "Super Female Voice," a singing contest that drew 400 million viewers to its 2005 finale. By comparison, "American Idol" drew 36 million viewers to its finale this year. But when you only permit your nation's 1.3 billion proles to watch 3 channels for fear that free thinking could develop, 400 million viewers sounds just about right.
In addition to "mental strength," the competitors must be at least 16 years old and weigh less than 100 pounds. But anorexics need not apply as one must also be in good health. It should also be noted that "Everyone from the lowest peasant to old grannies can apply and can potentially be in the running for a gold medal." Sounds grand doesn't it? It's too bad you need to be a citizen.. my Nana could henpeck the Chinese to Olympic gold.The nationwide search begins in September, with 80 contestants selected based on essays and interviews. Trials during the show will test endurance, leadership skills, and the ability to handle pressure. Since all the person does is sit around barking orders, why they feel a need to test for endurance is anyone's guess. What they ought to do is take my brilliant advice - really... I'm serious.
And since the whole point of this show is to drum up national interest for an unknown sport, you rename the show The Forbidden City or Opium Garden or Tiananmen Mao - you know, something that resonates with the people. Then you turn the 80 competitors - equipped only with ill-fitting helmets, worn kneepads, and complete guilelessness - into the volunteer army that is out to sack the emperor. The man and woman that survive the rolling logs, skipping stones, falling rocks, stone doors, velcro walls, and the final showdown against Qin's Army should be the Olympians! It's a foolproof plan, China. And I assure you, it'll put that Super Female Voice crap to shame, as the promise of groin shots and painful, humiliating exits in knee deep mud will pull millions more viewers away from the government sanctioned shows airing on your other two channels.
Posted on 31 August 2006
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"This is the only sport in the Olympics in which such a competition could be held. The coxswain position is unique because you don't need great physical strength, just mental strength," 
Here's the deal China - I know you're not down with Japan's democratic ways but you should buy the rights to
February 27, 2006Bode Miller Had the Wrong Sponsors
I've come to realize that Bode Miller isn't a bad guy. He's not a bust or a fraud or a bad American. He's just a poor bloke that got stuck with the wrong sponsors! I mean look at this guy - he's not right for Nike and Visa.. He needs no swoosh and he's not priceless. Bode Miller is a two-fisted drinker that flips off the media and parties with... well, maybe the hot girl is on the other side of that blonde... but he parties like his blood is made of Absolut, so where's THAT sponsorship? Why isn't there an ad with Bode standing proudly, knee raised high, on the top of some mountain telling America to get a little Cap'n in em? I woulda been down with that.. far more than I ever was with that bullshit ad campaign where Nike tried to convince the masses that he was Bodhisattva on skis. And what about a Sidekick campaign with Snoop Dogg? Or a Burger King commercial with the King? Or, and I know I'm pushin it, maybe even a new spot for Chester Cheetah? The Sidekick aside, I vouch for all three of these things as kickass products who can offer great marketing possibilities for a guy that just wants to represent his true person! I hope he jumps on these ideas when he sobers up. If so, his performance in Turin, on the slopes, not at the Sestriere, will not have been in vain. Rah, Bode!
Posted on 27 February 2006
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July 8, 2005Olympics 2012: Baseball & Softball AxedSo what will Jenny Finch do with her life now? It's a question for the ages. There are 28 sports in the Olympic lineup and 15 of them are complete bollocks. When I heard that the Olympic committee was planning to give a couple sports the boot, I was naive enough to believe they'd finally drop table tennis - an activity primarily played by two groups: the Chinese and stoners. I've watched some of that craziness on ESPN and have come to the conclusion that players are under orders to make things overly complicated with big strokes and spins that force opponents to return shots while standing 10+ feet away from the table. Drop shot, anyone? Of course not. Then people might realize that Olympic table tennis is fucking ridiculous and the Chinese will have to rely solely on gymnastics and badminton for gold medals. One day people will realize that table tennis is as absurd as something like power walking, both being activities where insane histrionics hide the fact that you're a patsy and that the only one who knows you're doing legitimate cardiovascular exercise is you.But back to the issue at hand. I can't say I'm all that surprised. The Olympics are about one thing nowadays: making money, and even though Tommy Lasorda disagrees, baseball and softball simply aren't a draw unless the games are in the States. Softball boasts (maybe) 5 countries with teams worth a damn and baseball is a niche sport (Americas & East Asia) that is internationally inferior to cricket and doesn't showcase the world's best. Soon enough, we'll have 2 new sports, one of which could be rugby. In my SportsbyBrooks update 3 or 4 weeks ago, I brought up the following: Captains of the world's top 16 rugby sevens teams sent a letter of protest to IOC president Jacques Rogge after Olympic official, Denis Oswald, called the sport "something of a joke."If the committee is voting out baseball, the least it can do is bring an incarnation of rugby into the fold. Apart from the fact that I owe my life to the game, I've always fancied it as one of the best sports in the world. "But what about football?" Begin heresy: I love football but I'm in love with rugby. I think it's fair to say that most of you view rugby as glorified option football wholly unworthy of our attention. Not surprising since your exposure is limited to the time you watched Fox Sports World at 4 am and the random experience with your university's crappy club team. But the game of rugby is one of both precision and brute force, where speed and split-second timing are as vital as strength and power. There are no pads and there are no helmets. You won't find 350-pound flabbies sucking wind in vain and you won't see others sitting out because the wind got knocked out of them. There is no getting tired, there are no timeouts, and if you must leave the pitch, you are not welcome to return. And in what other sport must players tape down their ears to prevent them from getting ripped off? Certainly not football. As far as team sports go, rugby is the supreme test of strength, endurance, agility, and determination, wrapped neatly in a package of glorious, organized mayhem. It more than deserves to be introduced in the Olympics but knowing the ship of fools that is the IOC, we'll probably be welcoming roller sports instead. If roller sports get in, it'd better damn well be Roller Derby. Nothing less will do. It's time for Jacques Rogge to kick his "teammates" to the curb and do the following:
Original Comments
Posted on 8 July 2005
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