There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Is PETA the Leon Spinks or James Dolan of Activism?

I got in my office around 6 am today, hoping that with a diligent morning, I could wrap things up and skip town for 6 or 8 weeks. My diligence only lasted 17 minutes before I hit hulu.com. In the 12 hours since, I have watched 5 episodes of Lost, 3 - 30 Rocks, 3 runs of Arrested Development, left once for a sausage egg mcmuffin, again for lunch and had a nap. But lucky for you, I remembered that I have a blog about 10 minutes ago, so I'm going to take a break from sucking at life to negatively contribute to your day.

Today's question: Does PETA actually hate animals or are they brain dead?

I'm not a serial killer, which means I have a fondness for animals and think that they have an inherent worth. And while I don't believe an animal's life has more value than yours or mine, I wholeheartedly believe that groups should exist to advocate for their protection from cruelty, increase social awareness and expose abuses. So in that vein, I'm glad that watchdog organizations like PETA exist. But while PETA's heart always SEEMS to be in the right place - or, at least, the general area, its unabashed stupidity has done more damage to its cause than any other rights group in history. And by the looks of their activity since Eight Belles' death, they have no intention of changing course.

Tangent - am I the only one that thinks this prefer to go naked over fur campaign of theirs is ridiculous? Being naked is awesome. Being naked under something warm and cuddly like a mink on a crisp winter day is even better. Stupid PETA. 

Since horse racing is a sport fueled by greed, the tragedies that have befallen it of late should come as no surprise. To say that the horses aren't as sturdy as they used to be is like saying David Beckham has a voice like a pre-teen girl. Bred for speed and strength, today's animals are majestic, tremendous athletes whose bodies have become too strong and heavy for a skeleton that is still too light and fragile. To put it simply, they have chicken legs like Babe Ruth. And when you have 2 - 4 year old animals with that frame that are mad to compete, mad to win and bred to burn like roman candles that explode like spiders across the stars, career ending injuries and euthanasia are going to be the nature of the beast.

But with racing suffering two casualties in as many years on its biggest stage, this should have been an animal activist's wet dream. With true backing from the public, they could have made a legitimate push toward changes and improvements in breeding rules, track safety and veterinary medicine. What's more, they could have burrowed deep in the ear of the Jockey Club to demand that they spearhead initiatives on changing the nature of an overpriced breeding market. Though it's true that plenty of level-headed groups have been spurred to action, the largest, most influential one of all has only proven itself to be operated by mentally defective, exploitative pods. Again.

In the last 5 days, PETA has done everything from claiming that the jockey whipped the filly so mercilessly that he didn't know she was injured until after the finish to raking Hillary and Chelsea Clinton across the coals for giving a rah-rah in support. Now, don't get me wrong, the Clintons need to be bashed on - and even kicked in the face - but when you go so far off the deep end that even they seem like innocent victims, something in the plan has gone horribly awry.

At this point, I have to wonder - is PETA really an animal rights group? Is it possible that they're actually against animals?

There are really only two choices here -- its people have shoe size IQs like Leon Spinks or PETA is intentionally trying to do harm to animals by operating on a level of self-sabotage previously reserved for James Dolan. But unlike Dolan, these tools aren't just destroying a franchise; they're causing millions to turn a blind eye to the true problems of horse racing with their reprehensible, outrageous behavior. By this Saturday, the reaction to the Eight Belles tragedy won't be "Horse racing needs better policies and regulations." It will be "Meh. PETA sucks. They won't rest until the animals rule us."

Truth be told, I really don't know what I should have expected from an organization whose primary activists are porn stars, bad actresses and a woman whose vagina could've hidden Roger Clemens and his ego from the Senate and still had room to accommodate Tommy Lee's forearm-sized penis.

But whether it's stupidity or sabotage, these people should find a large sword on which to throw themselves.

It's the humane thing to do. 

To Dale Sr Fans, It's Like the Old Boy Just Died Twice

Is there anyone in your life that lives below the Mason-Dixon line? What about NASCAR-loving friends that wish they did? If so, you might want to arrange an intervention or place them on suicide watch because my buddy Patrick just dropped a little scoop on me:

Patrick: I know you aren't a huge race fan, but there is earth shattering news going on right now that's breaking rednecks' hearts everywhere
Me: Which is what?
P: Junior is announcing that he will be driving for Hendrick tomorrow (Jeff Gordon's team)
Me: Which means what?

I didn't get it. Who cares about Jeff Gordon's team? But as I mulled things over, I remembered the first of four rules that I was ever taught about NASCAR:

Rule 1. Jeff Gordon is the devil.
   Rule 1a. ... and a big gay.

And NASCAR fans, especially, Dale Earnhardt, Sr. fans, can't have their golden son playing nice with the likes of a midget-sized, rainbow warrior queen that has only uttered an intelligent statement when he's started it with, "Earnhardt once said..."

Worlds are colliding, boys and girls. It's like a battle between good and evil. Light vs. Dark. Jedi vs. Sith. A tragedy like this could be fixin' to rip a hole in the fabric of the universe - or at very least, generate a 50-square mile black hole around the belly of the beast - Talledega Motor Speedway, Alabama.

For the good of any affected friends and family, be prepared tomorrow afternoon for Little E's pending announcement. Nothing says love like having ambulances and prayer circles in place for the aftermath.

Hat-tip: Curveballs for Jesus 

Joe Gibbs Can Tolerate Clinton Portis But Not Budweiser

My NASCAR knowledge is fairly limited. I know of Talladega, Darlington, Daytona and the Brickyard 500. I know that Bristol is raced at night. I know that Tony Stewart has had one Twinkie too many and that Robbie Gordon seems to be a bit of a dandy. I know that Carl Edwards #99 car is 10th in the standings - but only because my friend Chad is on his PR team and I try to keep a look out. This is where it begins and ends. But since I believe that I should know as much as I can about something before trashing it, I've been keeping up with the "sport" a little more lately. The only danger to this plan is that I might end up liking it.

In any case, the big news these days is Dale Earnhardt Jr's departure from DEI... something about his step-mother being a money-grubbing, power hungry demon. NASCAR is wholly consumed with the Earnhardt watch - will he go to Hendrick? Joe Gibbs? RCR? The most likely candidate, according to rumors, was Joe Gibbs Racing. Not only is Gibbs the coach of Earnhardt's favorite NFL team, his group has also managed three Nextel championships since 2000. Who can resist that type of winning tradition, especially when it's also the home of the aforementioned Twinkie pounder? 

This type of union would be ideal but there's one problem -- this Bud is NOT for Joe Gibbs.

"For us it would be hard. It'd be hard," said J.D. Gibbs, president of Joe Gibbs Racing. "They've been a great partner of the sport and do a lot for us but personally that would be a hard deal for us to do. I'll just leave it at that right now." - Yahoo! Sports

Personally, I would object to owning a Budweiser sponsored car because that shite tastes like gnat piss but the JGR rationale centers around its evangelical beliefs and religious objections to the consumption of alcohol. Fine. You'd think that Gibbs' willingness to forge his livelihood in two beer-soaked industries would create a conflict but I suppose there's a little hypocrite in all of us.

That brings me to my actual problem -- if Gibbs is going to use his religious beliefs to object to Budweiser and, in turn, Junior, shouldn't he pass that same judgment onto Clinton Portis, who is quite possibly the stupidest man in America?

On Michael Vick's dog fighting operation: "It's his property, it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it... It can't be too bad of a crime. There's a lot of stuff that's crimes, you know. It's killers on the loose over here and you want to hunt down Michael Vick over fighting some dogs... I'm sure some police got dogs and fight them, some judges got dogs and everything else."

How can you condone one and not the other? How can one tolerate, and at times, champion, a person too stupid to understand the fundamental immorality of dog fighting (or anything else, really) and yet be too high and mighty to own a car with a beer logo on it... especially when JGR driver, JJ Yeley, already races like he's drunk. I guess this is the type of sterling logic that is leading the Redskins back to Super Bowl glory.

Look, I know Gibbs has little to no control over the Redskins roster but for a man of such high values and principles, he seems to tolerate the behavior of criminals and amoral, braindead asshats extraordinarily well.

People Are Serious About Mourning Barbaro

I was returning to the office from a run this morning when one of the secretaries told me that Barbaro had been euthanized. She was so affected by the news that she had to put down her cheese danish to relay the information:

"Ohhhh Flash, did you hear the news? Barbaro, the racing horse, has passed away. He’s just fought SO much!"

If she knew that furrowing her brow caused her forehead to wrinkle like Lou Holtz's sack, she wouldn't do it but rather than focus on that, I responded...

"The New Orleans Saints and Barbaro all in one week? Take that, media!”

She shot me a nasty look and shook her head. I walked away.

So later on, I made a brief post at Critical Sports Blog about the issue. While saying nothing of note, I did mention that I haven’t seen the nation so captivated by a mindless creature facing inevitable death since the State of Florida wasted millions of dollars on Terri Schiavo.

What? Too soon? My ticket to hell has already been stamped. Frankly, I had nothing to lose. Anyway, I was in another person’s office about an hour later when Jim Rome started freaking out about the issue on the radio.

After what was likely 2 and a half hours of reading "Barbaro=Elmer’s" e-mails and being mock offended, he berated the clones for taking such disgusting glee in the horse’s death.

How dare they trample on the graves of champions? Sick freaks. Barbaro’s death broke Romey’s heart and for the clones to behave in a manner that he encourages and rewards every other day of the year was beyond him; he was ashamed. In order to hammer this point home, he crumpled e-mails loudly over the microphone.

That’ll learn em.

Around that point, my co-worker called Rome a douchebag and said that he didn’t know what all the fuss was about. Foolishly, I shared my Barbaro/Shiavo line.

“What the hell is wrong with you? It’s not THAT big a deal but it’s still a big deal! The horse could have won the Triple Crown! I thought you liked animals!”

I'll be honest, I didn't see the animals line coming but I should have known better all the same. Just three weeks ago, this bloke called me a sociopath for bagging on the woman that died of water toxicity after trying (and failing) to win a Nintendo Wii for her kids. Lesson learned.

But to my original point -- it's always a shame to see greatness cut down in its prime. But in this case, it’s not as if Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods, you know - actual human beings - lost their lives at the zenith of their careers, leaving a nation to mourn the loss of not only great athletes but also great role models and humanitarians. Please explain why a horse that won ONE great race should get similar treatment. Would the world have been a better place had Barbaro waged a full recovery? Would we have learned something or somehow gained from his existence?

"Oh but he fought so hard! He was so brave!"

No, he wasn't! This isn't Disney. Barbaro made no conscious decision to survive. He didn't know that his body had betrayed him or that he was in a life-threatening situation anymore than he knew that he delivered a violent beatdown to the Kentucky Derby field. Calling him brave or determined does nothing but make people feel better about the agony he was forced to endure. It doesn't matter how many human qualities are uselessly bestowed on him, at the end of the day, he's an animal that brought little to the table beyond an exhilarating 2 minutes followed by windfalls for the lucky. And for that (and the possibility of selling his ridiculously priced sperm), he had to suffer for eight months while the media and soccer moms with bedazzlers shoveled garbage about his valiant fight down our throats.

Jay-Z to Danica and Little E: Show Me What You Got

Well, it looks like retirement was too hectic because Jay's back with Kingdom Come, his comeback album that is scheduled to drop on November 21.

With his single "Show Me What You Got" leaked to the internet and now getting radio play, it was time to go to work with the visuals. And what better place for the most prolific and successful American rapper of the last decade to turn than the world of auto racing?

The video, shot in Monaco by F. Gary Gray (Friday, The Negotiator, TLC's Waterfalls), opens with Jay-Z riding shotgun with Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Whether they'll drive past a billboard for Wrangler Jeans in the video remains to be seen.

The boys rip and run through the infamously treacherous Monegasque roads in a Ferrari but have to share the road with another driver -- Danica Patrick.

I imagine 007 shenanigans ensue. 

But soon enough, the fun ends, as Jay ditches Junior (I'm guessing they ran Danica off a cliff) for ladies, speed boats, and the ocean. From there, the video transitions to an exclusive resort where he gets involved in a high-stakes game of poker and passes on the now-boycotted Cristal for a bottle of Veuve Clicquot.

...

I can almost buy the Danica Patrick/Jay-Z collaboration. Jay wanted a slick, James Bond-esque video involving fast cars and a classy yet badass Bond girl. If he wants someone who actually knows how to operate a vehicle at high speeds and look cute while doing it, who else is he going to ask? Sarah Fisher?

And Danica, who has graced the cover of dozens of magazines, hosted tv shows, and acted as the spokeswoman for various products, can only increase her celebrity and marketability by dipping into the world of hip-hop.

It's win-win for both. But how did Junior get involved?

I understand having a female counterpart but when you're trying to be Casino Royale, why make yourself the sidekick to a guy who thinks "shaken not stirred" are directions found on the back of a bottle of Valvoline?

I'll submit that aside from Jeff Gordon, Dale is the most recognizable and marketable face in American racing; he also seems like a pretty cool guy. But he is sponsored by Budweiser, Bass Pro Shops, and Menards. On my way home from dinner last night, I passed a billboard featuring the line "Grrrr-8 discounts at Menards!" To the left was Earnhardt feigning enthusiasm for the landscaping products pictured in the foreground.

Something about that just doesn't feel very '007 meets Roc-A-Fella' to me. But it will work and it will own - something one can always expect when Jay-Z is involved.

Disclaimer: I have nothing but respect for Dale Earnhardt Jr as a driver, personality, and businessman. This coupling of two distinctly different worlds will not only result in a cool video, it will also serve to be a great business moves for all involved parties. However, I'm terribly amused by the fact that the fact that Little E will now be a fixture on BET will surely send millions of Jim Bob Cooters out there into a total frenzy. This amusement will only be trumped by the obnoxious glee felt when Jay-Z announces his entry into the world of stock car ownership.

100% Pure Woman Champ 2006

Michelle Dumaresq is a Canadian downhill mountain biking champion who won her third national title last month at Whistler, beating Danika Schroeter by a second. But when she took the podium with her fellow medal-winners, Dumaresq was humiliated, taunted, and mocked not only by people in the crowd but by Schroeter as well.

Schroeter's boyfriend ran on the podium and gave her a shirt that said "100% Pure Woman Champ 2006." Being the epitome of class, she wore it with pride.

When I first saw the picture, I didn't see the cause for concern but this has more to do with my being a lazy boob than anything else [I didn't read the caption]. As a result, I went through a number of silly explanations before realizing that Schroeter wasn't talking about being more feminine or sugar & spice or congenial.. she was talking about chromosomes. You see, Michelle Dumaresq is a transsexual.

Maybe I should've figured it out on the picture alone but, truth be told, I thought Dumaresq (middle) was just a big girl that was a bit unfortunate looking. My bad. To date, my biggest experience spotting trannies is watching Famke Jensen ruin everyone's lives as Eva on the 2nd season of Nip/Tuck... I suppose that's not the best place to gain experience.

In any case, Dumaresq complained (and rightfully so) to the Canadian Cycling Association about Schroeter's actions at the podium.

"There was a bunch of people out in the audience who were obviously her friends, or her boyfriend's friends, who were screaming really nasty comments while the general public was there," she said. "They were very, very inappropriate comments which I felt were sick, really in poor taste."

In response, the CCA threw down a three-month ban that prevents Schroeter from participating in the world championships. That's a pretty big price to pay to act like a classless bitch.

I can fully understand being bitter and angry that a person who used to swing low burned you for a national title but you find other ways to protest. You don't get up on a medal stand and grin like an idiot while wearing a boorish sign hastily created with a Sharpie by a person with little talent for block-lettering.

Danika Schroeter deserves to miss the world championships. A person this ignorant and braindead shouldn't be permitted to represent sack of dirt, let alone an entire nation.

**Edit - I don't agree with allowing transsexual athletes to compete. It's patently unfair. But the topic itself is pretty interesting and there's a lot more to it than I previously realized. When I began to write on it, this went from a regular post to a 10 page essay. As you can tell, I scrapped it because it hurts my brain to be serious, which means you'll need to do some research on your own this time! :)

- Michelle Dumaresq
- IOC Medical Commission
- Transsexual Athletes
- Now THAT's Amateur

Danica Patrick Marries Oldster

Lance Armstrong Contemplates Pissing off the French

Mr. Raider to Become Mr. NASCAR

• Anonymous SI Swimsuit Model boobs
• Brian Jackson's Roethlisberger/St. Pierre impersonations
  
• Tony Parker accusing the IOC of racial bias

Are There Tour de France Meltdowns?

Danica Patrick & Dan Wheldon: Afternoon Delights