There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Picking Up A Hater Card (for Christians)

So it's Passover, which means that I've swapped Coca-Cola and Cheez-Its for kosher Coke and matzo crackers... it's a bland existence. While grabbing a napkin out of the office kitchen yesterday, Beano approached - he was snarfing on what he referred to as a "naked BLT" except that he was missing the L and the T. While staring at his grubby, sausage fingers, I asked what happened - "Oh, well it's not necessarily a sandwich since I'm cutting carbs. So I'm going to have the lettuce and tomato at lunch." "So, really, you're just two-fisting a pound of bacon." "No. It's a BLT."

For the uninformed, Beano is a maddening co-worker that has not only called me a fascist but has also tried to convert me to Christianity. He is sitting at #3 on my list of people to curb with my mighty boot of justice.

"My pastor says it's Passover and that means that you, as a Jew, eat different food from Christians."
"Not exactly. I think your pastor may be conf--"
"I'd like to share in that with you... as a Christian man."

Everything about this situation told me to turn around slowly and walk away and that's exactly what I did. He followed me back to my office.

"What's that you've got?"
"It's a bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and lox."
"Is that significant to the Exodus or the Angel of Death?"
"Neither. It's just yumtastic. However, I contend that the Angel of Death wouldn't have been so destructive had he enjoyed a bagel and lox from time to time."

This complex scenario sent Beano into deep thought until, without warning, he got up and walked away. I didn't see him again until a few minutes before practice when I spotted him putting a package of salmon steaks, bagels, and cream cheese in the refrigerator.

"What are you doing?"
"I googled your breakfast, so I picked up a lox for a sandwich."
"That's a 5-pound piece of salmon!"
"No, it's a lox."

That's when I kinda lost myself. It's not that I wanted to be mean (well, part of me did) but he's just so fucking irritating. He never understands anything and is about a stroke of common sense away from truly believing that I'm a baby-eating shape shifter. Just looking at him makes my brain throb with pain. It's horrible. Anyway, all he did was stand there staring at me as if I was the one that needed help.

"I would like you to come to my church."
"Are you trying to convert me again?"
"No. I want Jesus to see you in His house and while you're there you can speak to our congregation about your experiences." I was baffled. "It would be great for you to come and tell us what you're facing and maybe say some Hebrew words."

I grew lightheaded.

"You're turning red, Warner. You know, a little bit of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will calm you right down." He then handed me a green Gideon Bible...

Witness to me and I will bust you in the face. Beano just fucked it up for everybody.

Finally, Kosher Porn!

Like everyone out there, I've seen my fair share of porn but I wouldn't exactly call myself an aficionado. Clinton Portis explained the difference between black and white porn a few months ago and since he didn't open my eyes to anything new, I've yet to broaden my knowledge on the subject. That said, if you had told me there was an adult film out there featuring an all-Israeli cast speaking Hebrew, I would have thought you were mocking me. But as it turns out, Jewporn exists beyond my hidden collection of self-made videos! Fancy a guess at the title?

Assraelis (nsfw).

Something about that is so smooth and refreshing.

But check out the DVD cover to your right... see anything wrong? Or, perhaps, right? Meh.. maybe not. Do you see the letter "k" tucked inside that backwards "c" in the middle of the box? That "c" is actually the Hebrew letter kof and when a k is tucked inside, it becomes the trademarked Kof-k certification for kosher food.

For those playing along at home, it means producer Oren Cohen of Tight Fit productions just gave the world its first taste of kosher porn.

Trouble is, Rabbi Yehuda Rosenbaum, whose company, KOF-K Kosher Certification, authenticates food for the Jewish market, wasn't down with the idea of tricking observant Jews into thinking they could enjoy Assraelis with their pastrami on rye.

While I know the Kof-K symbol is reserved for food, why can't they make an exception? I mean, the making and enjoyment of porn is a pleasure of the flesh, right? And in a way, that's all eating is - partaking in the flesh of another being for sustenance and enjoyment. So really, porn should be kosher and we should be allowed to watch it!

I simply can't understand why no one thought of this before Mr. Cohen. Since I just solved the "why porn can be kosher" riddle, the next issue would simply be finding a rabbi willing to supervise the action to make sure no filming occurs on Shabbat and all enjoyed pieces of flesh meet a certain standard of cleanliness. Rabbis aren't priests; no self-flagellation will be required once the process is complete! I don't think it'd be too difficult to find a rabbi that would sacrifice a week of his time for a great cause, do you? Someone has to get on this issue and make a change. To deprive the Jewish world kosher porn is like keeping vodka from the Russians. Okay.. maybe it's not that bad but I'm tellin ya, it's a serious trespass!

It's Time for the Jew-lympics!

I've accomplished a lot in my athletic career. Though I have no Olympic or World Cup medals to call my own, I'll put my collection of hardware and honors up against just about anyone. But my achievements thus far in life pale in comparison to what I could pull off operating not only as an athlete but as a flag-waving Jew as well!

That's right! It's about to be my time to shine! Applications are currently being accepted for Jewish athletes wanting to represent at the 11th Pan-American Maccabi Games - known from now on around here as the Jewlympics.

The Jewlympics will be held in Buenos Aires, Argentina, from Dec. 26, 2007, through Jan. 2, 2008. Now, I'll admit, I'm not completely sold on the destination. Argentina is great and all but it was also a safe haven for Nazi officials and party members looking to flee Europe before they could be subjected to the noose... so someone on the Jewlympics committee is either really clever or really stupid. My hope is that it's the former and that this will function as a slap in the face to old school anti-Semites who are now too old and senile to wipe their own arses. 

In any case, the age range is 18-34 and athletes will compete in basketball, beach volleyball, bridge, field hockey (women only), golf, half marathon, judo, karate, rowing, rugby (men only), soccer, softball, squash, swimming, table tennis, tae kwon do, tennis, ten-pin bowling, track and field, triathalon, volleyball, and water polo (men only). There is also a Masters Sports Competition in many of the same categories for athletes over 35.

I'm gonna DESTROY this competition and a year from now, you'll be calling me Jewlympic Champion! From there, I'll be using my fame and notoriety to sponsor THIS car on the Nextel circuit:

L'Shanah Tovah!

Well boys and girls, I'm back from the dead. Many thanks for the cards, messages, flowers, and even singing telegrams - they were all highly appreciated. 

Though I'm not 100%, I'm pretty functional and things should be getting back to normal around here starting, oh, sometime tomorrow. But until then, here's a little useless information about my Saturday and a great video...

Since I'm actually a good Jew and manage to attend temple on Saturdays (most in the fall excluded, of course) that don't fall within the High Holidays, I was hoping the Almighty wouldn't mind if I rode out the New Year in bed. It's not like I didn't have a good excuse.

But I quickly realized that though I may have been able to escape judgement from our Creator, I could never escape the wrath of my mother, who advised that my soul would not only rot but it would also not be recorded in the Book of Life if I dared not examine my past wrongful deeds and ask for forgiveness for my sins. It sounds silly but she managed to scare me enough that I dragged myself to the synagogue even though I was loaded up on Percocet. I love this religion.

 In honor of me being the coolest Jewess that you know (and also because I need to take a nap), have a video and please, don't feel bad about laughing... it won't make you an anti-Semite.

Miami Heat Owner Unaware of Israel's List of Priorities

Where the Miami Heat are concerned, Raanan Katz has a message for Israel: pray for our victory.

Mickey Arison is the majority owner of the Heat, but Katz, an Israeli, has been a minority partner since the franchise's inception. He also has a stake in the two-time Euroleague Champion, Maccabi Tel Aviv.

Katz acknowledges that it won't be an easy road with Dallas having convincingly dispatched of San Antonio and Phoenix but he trusts Pat Riley "who is doing an excellent job. He prepared the team in an extraordinary way and the feeling is positive."

But not positive enough. Katz's directive to the Israeli people leaves one with the impression that he isn't banking on Coach Riley's ability to see his players through to the promised land, at least, not without help.

Enter God (whose always down for helping out various sports teams) and the Wailing Wall.

"God can always help; we need him on our side against Dallas," said Katz. "Every Israeli must support us; they must go the Western Wall and pray for us."

Well that seems like a perfectly appropriate request!

After praying and fervently pleading to God that He return to the Holy Land, ingather all the Jewish exiles, rebuild the Third Temple, and usher in the messianic era with the arrival of a Jewish Messiah, it seems only natural that one's mind would shift to the Miami Heat. And since the Western Wall has greater holiness than any other accessible place on Earth and the Divine Presence still rests within its walls, there's no greater place to give a shoutout to the Lord for the Big Aristotle and friends.

No wonder Miami played so well yesterday what with all the extra prayers and all.

Passover, Hitler, & People That Have to Go

Well kids, it's 420. The last day of Passover has finally arrived and come sunrise, Ill be feeding my Buddha a couple sausage mcmuffins, a side of latkes, and a lemon-lime Gatorade. And guess what else today is)! That's right - Adolf Hitler's birthday. And in 2008, Pesach actually begins on his birthday. Coincidence? Probably. But I'll furrow my brow in suspicion just for kicks. But ya know something, t's really too bad 420 day didn't exist back in the 1930s. Der Führer could have taken some hits of the ganjah to celebrate his birthday. Over time, he'd develop a habit and slowly but surely mellow out. Would he have still hated the Jews? Probably. Would he still have been crazy? Definitely. But in exchange for one bag of Cheetos and a plastic cup of oversugared grape Kool-Aid, Adolf Hitler wouldn't have dragged his sorry ass off the couch to do anything about us. Weed could have saved millions, a few of my relatives included.

In any case, let's move on for today's nominees for people/groups that need to be shuffled loose the mortal coil with no regrets:

• Curt Schilling - this post's other German dickbag. While on WEEI radio, Ketchup said the reason the Red Sox and Devil Rays have had numerous bench-clearing incidents is because 22 year old Scott Kazmir hits "multiple batters every time he threw against us. I don't know if any of it was intentional, but he kept hitting players." Nevermind the fact that the Sox and the Rays were having squabbles before Kazmir was even in the bigs. Luckily for us, the Logic Master continues, ''We made it clear to them, for the most part, that we were only throwing at guys on their team because their young pitchers couldn't throw inside. Obviously, he's getting better and he's learning. But you don't learn to pitch in the big leagues inside, you learn how to do that in the minor leagues. And you can't do that here because you get people hurt." Oh really? In 7 starts against the Red Sox, Kazmir has hit 5 batters. However, in those games, Red Sox pitchers have hit a total of 10 Devil Rays. That headhunting policy is sheer brilliance.  
• Montgomery City Council - The City Coucil has a message for late civil rights icon Rosa Parks and other blacks who were mistreated in Montgomery during the Civil Rights Era: "We're sorry." The majority-white council voted unanimously Tuesday to make a formal apology after the Alabama Legislature approved a bill that sets up a process to pardon Parks and hundreds of others arrested for violating segregation-era laws. Nice work, you bleeding rotters! She's been dead since last October and you couldn't manage an apology before then? They had 50 years to get this done and even if you argue that it never would have happened in the 60s, 70s, 80s, OR the 90s, they couldn't get the stones in the new millenium? Remember when asshats would say dumb shit like "Oh you can't act like that! It's the year 2000!" "Well, I'm doin this and this cuz it's the year 2000." Same message to you, Montgomery City Council!! By the year 2000, you shoulda been on the case. Christ, you could have apologized to give her a good 90th birthday present! But no, not you. Seven months after the woman kicks it, "Oops... we didn't mean it !" Shameful.
• Philips (electronics company) - The company has invented a way based on existing digital television technology to stop people from fast forwarding and/or changing channels to avoid commercials... which makes it the worst invention in the history of mankind. What's amazing is that Philips acknowledges how much suck is involved here, so their patent suggests that "the system could offer viewers the chance to pay a fee interactively to go back to skipping adverts." Make me pay to skip a commercial??? FUCK YOU, PHILIPS! If anyone wants to form a hitsquad with me and make a trip to the Netherlands to enforce justice on Philips, just let me know.

That's enough anger for this afternoon. Cheers and Happy 420 day to all!

Warner Family Seder Ruined by Berkeley Grad

Since food dominates my life, Pesach is usually the longest week of the year. It's not that plenty of food isn't cooked or that it isn't good. I eat more during Passover than I could even begin to during Thanksgiving. But I want pizza. I want french toast. I want peanut butter cookies. I want Gatorade. I want my kinda kosher diet back! But the closest I can come to satisfaction is matzah pizza and Passover-approved Coca Cola... the corn syrupy goodness is replaced by sugar. As much as it sucks, it's still better than Diet Coke. So it happens I tried to get a few forbidden items in before sundown yesterday, hoping greatly that my mum would be none the wiser. But no sooner had I taken a bite did she materialize out of thin air to pop me in the mouth with the back of her hand... wedding ring included :( I dropped the Coke can and thanks to the stinging pain, my jaw fell open and the cookie fell out before I could swallow. She then scolded me about struggle and deliverance, redemption and remembering, and the fact that she'd cleared our house of chametz and wasn't about to have that screwed up by my lack of will power and respect for the past. I thought about asking if I could skip Seder altogether since I just got the lesson but thought better of it. After my apology, she gave me an apple, patted my head, and told me to go outside to play... though one day I'm sure she'll realize I'm not 5 years old, I doubt the revelation occurs this week. A couple hours later, my family had arrived and the Seder got started. All was well until it was revealed that I would serve my 18th year on Kasha patrol.  For the uninformed, that's the four questions and they're read by the family's youngest child. While that ought to be my five year old nephew, he's not quite grasped the trilingual presentation of Hebrew, Yiddish, and English and I got hosed yet again. Alejandro seems like the type of kid that'll shirk this duty until he's under the pain of death to perform, so I could be doing this stuff until I'm 30.

In any case, we only had one person that I'd consider a guest -- my cousin's coworker, Eric. Aunt Rosa insisted he be invited under the belief that a little spirituality would do his life some good. Eric was (or is, rather) an atheist Berkeley grad.. one of those stereotypical granola breath Birkenstock types that drives a beat-up VW bus while bitching about how humans betray nature and the environment. He thinks belief in I would say the tolerance for this type of individual isn't high at my house, so he was already at a disadvantage. We hit our first snag while I was asking the second question. Once I spouted out the English (always the last of the three), he said, "Yeah that's completely nuts... Jews should definitely spend less time wondering about that and more time trying to figure something out about how to treat Palestinians right in Israel" I can't quite communicate the collective horror but there wasn't time for silence, as my Zayde said, "Why I'm gonna put my foot in--" My Bubbe stood up and sat him down. I continued with the questions. His next move was to throw in an amended line from The Big Lebowski, "Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax to the Warner's Seeder party!" There was silence and then he asked questions about Charlton Heston. "Is he Jewish?... Does he have a role... if he has a role, maybe he could step in and stop your Zionist killing but hey, with the NRA and all, he's probably as psychotic as the rest of you." These comments were topped with, "When are we watching the Ten Commandments movie because that whole thing where he magically opens up the ocean was AMAZING!" But it didn't stop there. Five minutes later, he went back to Lebowski and asked if we roll on Shabbos. My father grabbed him by the collar and pulled him out of the house, down the drive, and dumped him in the road while my Uncle hotwired his van, which didn't have keys to begin with, and left it in the street. I think it's safe to say he won't be coming back for dinner this evening... or any for that matter.  

If I wasn't a Jew and was just looking to do the most obnoxious things ever, I might think about taking Eric's route.. I'd brag to my friends about how I would make Sandy Koufax jokes... my wit would be on point while I ran my mouth about matzah and rabbis but never could I fathom actually going through with such things. So while a tiny part of me wants to give the guy credit for having the nerve to rip on Jews while they sat around him, the rest of me hopes his van breaks down in the barrio tonight and he gets shot in the face. Stupid fuck.

Fighting Back with Bible Verses

For The Concerned...

Rabbis have risen to the occasion and found a way for men who want to enjoy their Passover to take the erectile dysfunction medication Viagra without violating the laws about consuming hametz (leaven) leaven during the holiday. Four years ago, The Jerusalem Post revealed in a widely quoted story that taking Viagra during Passover was forbidden by Jewish law because its coating was made with hametz. Rabbi Menahem Rosenberg, the rabbi of Clalit Health Services, then confirmed that Viagra (sildenafil citrate) was not kosher for Passover because of the coating.

Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu said the pill can be swallowed if it is encased in a special soluble kosher capsule first. Viagra's Israeli manufacturer, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals-Israel, said swallowing the capsule does not breach Jewish law because the Viagra would not come into direct contact with the body. Viagra's Israeli manufacturers said they sought an answer after receiving queries from worried religious men. [Jerusalem Post & Chad]

Fry Me Up Some Latkes... Dammit

Sorry I've been out of commission around here for the past 5-6 days. My new boss insists I put in these 12 hour days and unlike those aimless mornings and afternoons with my previous boss, I'm no longer finding time to get my long-winded posts in during the day.

From now on, expect updates to show up at night... Or in the middle of it. I had a post written and ready to go yesterday - it was about Lent on Fridays but I've decided to cut it and only leave the brief comment about Lent below. Since you'll bitch, this is what it was kinda about - This shifty kid with blue hair approached Chris and I, talking about revolution and conspiracies and I just wasn't having it. After we sent his patchouli ass back to his table and went on about our way, this mini-revolution of lime jello went down near the fro-yo machine... a protest of the no-meat policies in the dining hall. Turns out, it was this kid and his hipster doofus cronies. Maybe I should've listened to him and got involved.. maybe not. Either way, you're not getting the bulk of the story because it's entirely too boring. Maybe something else will go down next week.

Today Yesterday Friday, we broke for lunch following a 2 hour movie and noticed that there were about 20 minutes left for lunch at SDH. After discussing our options, Chris and I decided to take a stroll to South Quad.

Normally, we probably wouldn't have - it's not like we're living in the dorms anymore. But we were both out of cash, weren't interested in a visit to the ATM, and it was the tail end of the lunch hour.. the amount of visitors (unlike Reckers) would be few. We walked in and were immediately smacked with the aroma of the Lenten Season. Mmm... fish sticks. Stale, breaded, and Gordon's fisherman good. I'm consistently impressed with his work... must be that yellow slicker.

This is my 5th go of Lent round these parts and something that's always confused me is the practice of foregoing meat on Fridays. Why isn't it offered? It's an age-old question, boring to everyone but freshmen, so no, I don't think I'm presenting anything new.

I'm only saying that it continues to make zero sense to me, as the refusal to serve meat completely defeats the purpose of sacrifice. How can I prove to God that I can resist such non-sinful delights and material desires if these nermals don't give me the option? Christ, I can go without sex and donuts if no one offers them to me.

Were I one of the dining hall gods, I'd offer up all kinds of meat. Quality, succulent steaks; pork chops; thick, juicy, flame-broiled burgers; ribs; and all other melt in your mouth, mouth-watering options of cow known to man.

I'd put A-1 next to the ketchup, wet naps and those  slick, plastic rib bibs next to the napkins, and I'd even throw in a grillman. Then let's see some sacrifice. What's the harm in a meat option?

I know, I know. This is a Catholic school. If I don't like it, I can leave. But you're gonna tell me that these boner-biting bastards can't hook me up with a ham sandwich? I know there are more students in any ethnic minority here at Lily White U than there are Jews but how about somebody in that cooking staff fryin up some fucking latkes. They're not just for Hanukkah anymore, kids.

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