Recently in New York Yankees Category

It's no secret that Andy Pettitte has been my favourite Yankee and stalking victim imaginary boyfriend since I was 12 years old. I adore him. I love everything about him.

Whenever this is revealed, I catch the usual flak -- "Why not Rivera?" "Come on! Pettitte over Donny Baseball?" "Are you kidding? You ever heard of Derek Jeter?"

All things considered, their confusion makes sense. Unlike Jeter, Andy isn't a superstar loaded with G-moments. He's not flashy or outgoing or blessed with movie-star good looks. He doesn't even have Cooperstown-worthy regular season numbers. But what he does have is the uncanny ability to raise the level of his pitching in baseball's most pressurized situations.

Time and time again, Andy Pettitte has delivered without ego or excess, and while he's had his stumbles (2001, anyone?), there is no one I want on the mound more when a season is on the line. I know he's 37 years old and I know he's pitching on three days rest, but tonight, I'm not fazed. Andy Pettitte's career has been defined by games like this, and no one will stop him from delivering a 27th world championship to the New York Yankees. Not Pedro Martinez. Not Chase Utley. And not even Joe Girardi's atrocious attempts at management. My man has got this.

Last night, Cliff Lee did the equivalent of dropping a smoke bomb in the Yankees dugout and then punching players in the face one by one as they blindly ran out. The biggest workout he got all night was when he had to adjust his legs to make sure Tim McCarver and Joe Buck had enough room to blow him at once instead of taking turns.

Absolute sadness. 

When someone is humiliating you without breaking a sweat, all you can say is "too good. Get 'em next time." But as great as Lee was (and he was just frightfully nasty), the Yankees hitters were equally listless and uninspired. This was game 1 of the World Series and I saw no passion; no fire. By the 4th inning, this group couldn't even be bothered. Taking cues from the indifferent, corporate non-fans who pay $2,500 for Legends seats and then fail to show, perhaps? Or maybe the flawed outcomes of the ALDS and ALCS lulled them into a false sense of security. Who needs to hit when a braindead, undisciplined opponent will cock things up for you?

I'm not saying Lee was hittable, but we didn't make it hard on him either. Jeter aside, our players were defeated before they even reached the batter's box. With that in mind, it's not out of line to wonder if they'll come to play tonight. The Phils are coming at us with Pedro Martinez and a patient lineup that can hit from top to bottom. The Yankees? Well, we've got the skittish A.J. Burnett, Joe Girardi's management, middle relief that is cracking like a desert of burning shame and a lineup that can't string together big run innings. Someone gets on base, only to be followed by a guy in a woeful slump, or, even worse, Nick Swisher, who is a case study in the failure of positivism to translate to post-season reliability. Then suddenly, it's rally over, inning over, game over.

With the Phils, you know what you're getting, but with our guys? One can never truly say and that's what stresses me out. Tonight, we're either going to blow Martinez back to the mango tree in the first inning or not bother showing up until the 8th. If it's the latter, this will be a quick series indeed.

1. Last night, Andy Pettitte worked the strike zone like an attentive lover. I wish I could trade places with it. I'd tell him myself but he's yet to respond to the last letter I sent with locks of my hair in it.
   
   
2. If Robinson Cano was a genre of music, he'd be jazz -- one of those smooth Charlie Parker joints with cool, easy getout phrases and soft, sweet, fairytale solos. Though Cano's defensive play ranges in quality, the way he turns double plays is absolutely sublime.
   
   
3. Vladimir Guerrero is dumber than hair
1. In related news, the bulk of the Angels roster is shockingly dumb as well. The words fundamentals and smart should never be used in the same sentence as "Angels" ever again.
   
1. I mean, wow.
   
   
4. The Yankees were .187 (how appropriate) with RISP in the ALDS, but unlike the Angels, the Phillies are aware that they play in the major leagues. This means they won't play like asshats in the World Series. it also means they will pound us into submission if we dare leave 52 men on base. You hear that, Posada, Swisher and Teixeira?
   
   
5. After watching the New York Jets violate Jamarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders, I've come to the conclusion that the Silver & Black should change their logo to the Gordian Knot. It is the only image that can truly define this sad organisation.
   
   
6. In related news, I got a call from my 9 year old nephew, Alejandro, who was distraught about the Raiders' spectacular ineptitude.
   A: Aunt (Flash), I'm confused.
   F: And I'm here to help.
   A: Well, we are Warners.
   F: Sure are.
   A: And Papa says that makes us winners. (We have a lot of family pride. If we were chavs, at least one of us would have our surname tattooed in Old English across his or her shoulders)
   F: Don't ever forget it, hombrito. Papa speaks the truth.
   A: Then why are we cheering for the Raiders? They are not winners.
   -- I had no answers for him. Sadness abounds.
   
   
7. When will the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots stop running up scores like they're in the SEC? You don't need style points to impress BCS voters, assholes. You're going to the playoffs, not the Sugar Bowl.
   
   
8. ESPN fired Steve Phillips, the former Mets GM who had an affair with a 22 year old production assistant. If ESPN cared as much about the quality and competency of their on-air talent as they do about scandal being brought upon them, they wouldn't be doing to sports what MTV has already done to music.
   
   
9. Like all public figures who get into trouble, Phillips has decided to enter "a treatment facility to address his personal issues." I assume this means sex addiction rehab, but the reality is that Steve Phillips doesn't have a sex addiction problem. He has a Settling for Ugly Bitches problem. If you're going to cat around and ruin your career, do it with a woman who is worth a damn. Not some hideously fugly broad who looks like Snoopy and spreads like peanut butter because she's insecure. I wish I had more hands to give this man more thumbs down.
   
   
10. The man in my life is a very fit fellow of Middle Eastern descent. As a result, people keep suggesting that we attend Halloween fancy dress parties this weekend as Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. I don't know whether to be offended or amused.

A-Rod 2.0™ (that's right, I trademarked that!) is a man possessed. He's playing baseball like he needs to put food on the table, which is something I never could have imagined. But what's more important than 2.0 playing out of his mind (or maybe he's finally IN his mind?) is that our bats came alive, and Joe Girardi kept his non-managing behind on the bench.

For once, we didn't eke one out and sheepishly tip our hats to brain dead plays from the opposition. With CC Sabathia and 2.0 leading the charge, we completely dismantled the Angels, and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. But watching 2.0 play like Roy Hobbs at Wrigley Field raises an important question about his past: Is Cynthia Rodriguez 2.0's Memo Paris? 

Hang in with me here! In his post-season career, 2.0 has managed the following numbers: 

Before Cynthia ('95 - '00)
18/53, .339 BA, .375 OBP, .566 SLG (World Series MVP in the making?)

Cynthia ('04 - '07)
23/94, .244 BA, .372 OBP, .436 SLG (Pinch hitter in the making?)

After Cynthia ('09)
11/27, .407 BA, .469 OBP, 1.000 SLG (Oh my bloody G-d)

As you can see, that ravenous bitch sucked out 2.0's life force and stored all his power in her biceps, so this theory is totally valid. But this revelation begs another important question - if Cynthia is Memo Paris, who is Iris Lemon? I'd say it is Kate Hudson, who is not only cute and friendly but also seems to be the first woman in 2.0's life who can't bench press him with her vagina's labia majora. Then again...

... who's to say who serves as Alex's muse? All I know is that this person needs to be wary. A-Rod 2.0™ is in beta until the end of the 2009 season, and the last thing the Yankees need is some random glitch jacking up the final stages of installation.

Someone needs to tell Joe Girardi that the Yankees are in the ALCS, not the finals of the Bergen County Little League Championship where every pitcher on the team gets to have a shot on the mound.

After a decent 6.1 innings from Andy Pettitte (who should have pitched around Guerrero to get a matchup with Rivera), the game was tied at 3. So Girardi did what any sensible manager would do - he threw in Joba Chamberlain, who hasn't been consistently fearsome since the midges sucked out his life force in 2007. Since then, the Joba Rules have left him a skittish mess. Far too much of a mess, in fact, to be relied upon in a tie ball game with time running out. So when Joba was inevitably rocked by Howie Kendrick and Erick Aybar, Girardi started up his Carousel of Foolish Gambles & Mismanagement:

• Damaso Marte (LOOGY) flew out Figgins and was replaced by Phil Coke (LOOGY), who pitched Abreu - another lefty.
  
  Now, I don't think Marte is reliable enough to sit in the bullpen, let alone see the actual mound, but when the manager puts him on the roster and then doesn't trust him to get more than one out, that manager is a fool.
  
  We can thank Angels stupidity for keeping this move from burning us into the ground.
  
  
• Phil Hughes held down the fort and was replaced by Mariano Rivera, who nearly screwed the pooch. In a game where we had four runs off four knocks and a cavalcade of blown scoring opportunities, maybe it would've been a good idea to save the closer for when we actually got a lead. Then we could, you know, HOLD IT. You don't throw your greatest pitching asset on the mound and then cross your fingers in hopes that Nick Swisher and Melky Cabrera can bring it on home. Clown.
  
  
• Rivera was replaced by David Robertson, who was great. But then with two outs and no one on, Robertson got sacked for Alfredo Aceves after a 3 second examination of the scouting report and a failure to acknowledge Aceves' line from game two:
  
  
  
  Apparently, Kendrick (a righty) is 1/2 against Robertson (a righty) and has no history with Aceves (another righty), which means he won't be able to bat against Aceves? Is this logic for real? It's like replacing Matt Hasselbeck with Seneca Wallace with three seconds left because Wallace had no history with the Ravens and Hasselbeck went 1/2 in his last series against them. This goes beyond being cute or overthinking. This is absolute madness.
  
  Where is Girardi's feel for the game? Robertson shut down two hitters on 11 pitches and he was yanked because the Book of Statistical Secrets told Girardi that his time was up? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
  
  
• Using Aceves left ONE man in the pen - Chad Gaudin. What's going to happen tonight with CC pitching on short rest?
  

A manager's primary job is to get the most out of his players. 75% of the time, the level of talent on our roster means the hitting and fielding will take care of themselves, and we don't have to worry about Girardi's erratic, nonsensical gambles. But our bats have been largely silent of late and our runners aren't coming home. If those factors don't change, Girardi will mismanage us right out of the post-season by doing other crazy things like:

• Replacing Matsui with Gardner but replacing Gardner before he could hit with Hairston, who then replaced Damon in left field. This eliminated the DH and slid Mo Rivera into the 2 hole, who was then replaced by Cervelli, meaning Derek Jeter was backed up by one of the weakest bats on the team.
• Running for Matsui every time he gets a hit, thus putting Brett Gardner or Freddy Guzman in the 5 hole behind A-Rod 2.0
• Replacing Damon's bat in the 2 hole while allowing Swisher to continue doing nothing at 8 but having a great attitude while striking out and hitting into DPs with runners in scoring position
  
• Failing to realize that Damon may throw like Mary but an offense sporting Nick Swisher, Jerry Hairston Jr and Gardner/Guzman does not make opposing pitches quiver in their wake when the game is on the line
  

Now, I keep hearing that I'm overreacting; that I need to keep the faith and let it play out. Perhaps they're right but I'm unsettled by what I've seen. CC's pitching and a few clutch hits aside, have we really risen above mediocrity this post-season? Have we shown ourselves to be a truly superior team? Most of our jaw-dropping defensive plays have come on bonehead base running errors. Even our final game winning run on Saturday can be directly attributed to Maicer Izturis temporarily losing his mind.

The Angels have been playing like the Texas Rangers and we are barely up 2-1. How long do you think that good fortune is going to last?