There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Women's Hoops, the NIT or The History Channel

I'm so sodding depressed.

As has been abundantly evident on this blog, I had to check out for a while, which included more than simply not posting. In the process, I completely lost track of sports. So when I finally decided it was time to permanently emerge from the ether and plug back in to world, I couldn't have been more excited. You see, spring is always the most exciting season in sports. What better time could there be to throw myself back into the fray?

Spring is the season that makes the world go round, as the Super Bowl leads into March Madness, which rolls right into fantasy baseball drafts and Opening Day. Soon after, the EPL and Champions League are rolling to their conclusions, Roger Federer is spiraling out of the French Open, I’m lamenting the Yankees’ early gaffes and missteps, Phil Mickelson is choking away another major and even the NBA starts getting interesting. Every day, there is something new to behold and though basketball is something like my 8th favorite sport these days, I live and breathe hoops when the tournament comes round. A self-admitted neurotic, I usually study, research and waste hours of my life on box scores, articles, team pages, stat sheets, and pictures (I don't know why pictures, actually). And at the completion of these fruitless efforts, I fill out my brackets, run my mouth, put some money on the line, down a sixer to ease the nerves and tune into CBS and CSTV when it all begins. Not a moment is missed and I suck in basketball like crack from the pipe from Thursday at 1230 until Sunday around 10.

But after receiving an injection of what amounted to a 96-hour speedball, I’m now left with no reasonable form of entertainment. I didn’t have enough sense to DVR real sports over the weekend and came home around 8 all ready to enjoy an athletic event - something, anything. National Championship of Darts, Pinochle, whatever. It wasn't gonna take much to feed my need. So I tuned into CBS fully expecting to see more basketball. Logically, I knew it wouldn't be on but that didn't stop me from watching The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother in some "maybe the Sweet Sixteen will magically pop on!" fog. Eventually, I snapped out of it and hit ESPN, only to find the also-rans of the Not In Tournament. So I moved on to ESPN2 and caught a disappointment larger than having my bracket destroyed by Stephan Curry and Davidson: women's basketball - the last refuge for girls that want to be athletes but aren't agile, flexible or fast enough to hack it anywhere else.

Why doesn’t ESPN just send Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas to my house to my house to take turns slapping me around and kicking me in the ass while we watch JJ Redick highlight films. It’d hurt less. Watching the women's tournament during the Final Four is one thing, as UConn, Tennessee, LSU and Rutgers/Duke/No Chance University might actually produce 7 - 10 athletes on the floor at one time. But not this Monday night bullshit. Not these first and second round shenanigans where a girl getting fouled on a "drive" to the hoop looks like a slo-mo video with crash test dummies.

But enough on that. What I actually want to know is what jerk is sitting in an office saying, "Scheduling? Well, how about we follow up the greatest weekend in American amateur sports with women's basketball. That'll keep the fires burning in the hearts of Joe and Jane Sports Fan!"

No, corporate suit! It does not keep my fire burning! It is destroying my spirit! I don't appreciate getting all manic over 32 games of basketball only to be punched in the mouth by 3 days of the great shooter with an ugly stroke that wouldn't know true agility if it goosed her; the tall, semi-mobile forward that uses her elbows to free up space for her 4-foot banked shots; and the girl that's slow as molasses but has a great body for collecting ticky tack fouls and turning the ball over. 

A sport that opts for fundamentals over a base level of athleticism found in every other women's sport is NOT okay with me. I get that the women's game is basketball in its purest form but damn. I don't want to spend 2+ hours seeing which team can make the most consecutive layups, fall down the least and seal it off with a 1-and-1 at the line with 8 seconds to go!

If you're going to advertise this tournament as March Madness, then that's what you need to give us - straight up madness where we get all basketball all the time until the last team standing needs a crane to hitch them up to cut down the nets. No more of this three week wanked schedule that is supplemented on the weekdays with a "tournament" that fields 56 teams too many. Eventually something has to give. Being driven away from sports to watch countless episodes of "Walking with the Dinosaurs" on Discovery is an absolute shame.

Chris Rix Threatened Me With a Federal Subpoena (and Prayer)

A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post titled "Chris Rix Takes Irony to the Next Level." A copy of that post ran on BlogCritics Sports the following day. You see, I had stumbled upon a website for the Champion Training Academy, operated by former Florida State disaster quarterback Chris Rix.

Anyone that follows college football remembers the absolute calamity that was his time as a Seminole both on and off the field. The irony of this Academy was simply amazing to me, so I took a few moments out of my evening to make light of the fact that someone widely remembered as a screw-up and team disappointment was attempting to mold young quarterbacks into champions and, most astonishingly, leaders.

Chris Rix was an amazing athlete coming out of Santa Margarita High School, and, clearly, he possessed a good deal of natural talent. But that's what it takes to play Division I football, and, particularly, start 4 years at Florida State. At least, it used to. But unless you're one of his loved ones, it's fair to say that natural talent notwithstanding, you know that his career was a comedy of errors. Sure, he could throw an 80 yard touchdown but leadership? Unless you call missing the Sugar Bowl because you slept through your finals "leadership," I don't think so.

So a week after my post appeared on BlogCritics I received a patronizing e-mail with the subject line "no hard feelings" from one Chris Rix. I shared it with a few friends for laughs but it didn't go any further. It seemed like a complete waste of time. But thanks to today's events, that e-mail is coming out for you all to enjoy (I particularly liked the randomly erroneous use of quotation marks). Click to enlarge:

Now, what I wanted to say here was that the only people that he should be praying for are the parents too foolish to realize that they're throwing their money away. Signing your kid up for leadership training with Chris Rix makes as much as sense as sending him to Ryan Leaf for mental toughness training.

But I refused to get into an email war with a guy that uses quotations around words to insinuate that they aren't actually real. Look Chris, putting quotes around the word "mistakes" doesn't erase your laundry list of screw ups at Florida State University.

In any case, all was quiet for 14 months and then this afternoon, I received this:

...

So not only did he lie about that "no hard feelings" business, but Rix has also proven that it really is too hard to focus on the positive. That must've been a sobering realization. Maybe he needs some prayer. That wouldn't be patronizing to offer that, would it? Nah. But you know something, I can't say I blame Rix for getting upset with me. When you've always been told that you're great and believe it because you blocked out four seasons of memories in Tallahasee, it's only natural to develop a sense of entitlement that enables you to threaten to sue people because they have the audacity to disagree with your opinion of your career. But I'm sorry to say that this is not how the world works. Maybe it did in Iraq circa 2002 when Rix was dropping yet another game to Miami, but not in America. The same America that allows him to teach leadership skills to children after failing miserably at it for so long, also grants me the right to share whatever opinion I please.

And in my opinion, the only person that ought to receive a lawsuit threat in this situation is Chris Rix for teaching things he's never demonstrated an ability to do. That said, if parents are stupid enough to pay... but I digress.

So I laughed at him in a public forum? What, like I'm the first? The things said in my post pale in comparison to the vitriol (both fair and unfair) spewed about him both in print and the internet from 2001 - 2005. Are federal subpoenas en route to all of the other message boards, web sites and blogs out there? While it's pretty clear that Rix doesn't know how a subpoena works or what it actually is, maybe they're also receiving threatening e-mails full of tough talk, bold font and capital letters as I type. I know "IMMEDIATELY" sure scared me into submission. Then again, maybe Rix wields the authority of the federal government to dispense justice. If so, I must have missed that memo but please allow me to throw out a "my bad" if that's the case.

Now, if my posts contained libel, I'd understand his threat. But I didn't make up lies about Rix or Champion Training Academy. I simply questioned the qualifications of Rix, who, as a primary instructor, claims to teach young quarterbacks qualities that - in my opinion - he never mastered. If Jim Kelly wrote a book titled "Winning the Super Bowl," or Michelle Wie ran an academy called "Making the Cut on the PGA Tour," I'd be within my rights to say, "Hey Jim? Uh, Michelle? Excuse me, but you know nothing about that."

I know this is all pretty painful Chris, but that's how life goes. But I suppose if you don't like it, you can get a Delorean and have a go at a career do-over, thus changing all of these posts into praise for your work at leadership camp. But since I don't think Doc Brown will be rolling up to your house any time soon, you might want to grow thicker skin and get over yourself. I am not the first person to mock the fact that you're running a leadership academy nor will I be the last - especially not now.

Like I said before - If you want to run a camp, fine. You were/are an exceptionally talented quarterback who clearly didn't become the player you were supposed to be; I'm sure you have a lot of knowledge to impart to the youngins. But when you spend a career disregarding four of your own rules for being a champion quarterback, it is in my opinion that you forfeit the right to impart said "wisdom" on children who think you're putting them on the fast track to the next level.

But who knows? Maybe some good can come of this little ordeal between you and I, Chris. After this attempt at intimidation goes nowhere, maybe you can start up another training academy called, "How to Successfully Sue People with Opinions Based on Valid Observations."

Stereotype Overload or Well-Executed Mockery?

Rutgers Had a Cinderella Run?

What I'm about to say should be inherently obvious, but disclaimers must always be made for the mental defective fucktards that will miss the fact that the focus of this post is not Don Imus.

<Disclaimer> Don Imus is a haggard, disgusting piece of trash that ought to be beaten to death with bamboo sticks and set aflame. Should he be fired? Definitely, but that's a pipe dream. His employers and the media in general have spent years turning a blind eye to his racist, misogynistic, and homophobic behavior while firing others for far less and only now they feel the outrage? Bollocks. The worst that will happen here - beyond a paid vacation until this blows over - is that Imus dips into rehab just to remind everyone that he's really, really, REALLY sorry.</Disclaimer>

So I was watching "The Today Show" this morning while Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira were interviewing C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers women's basketball team, and one of the players. Beneath them was an obnoxiously large caption that asked, "Will the Rutgers team forgive Imus?"

For a while, it went as you would expect -- they lobbed obvious questions and Stringer spoke about racism, sexism, and the tragedy of her team not having the opportunity to enjoy their success because of a cantankerous old fool. Stringer then touched on moral decay, society's willingness to look the other way, etc. I was with her on all of that. Huzzah for awareness and calls for proactive change. But then she faded back to the Rutgers story of triumph and harped for so long that I forgot about the real issue and instead focused on the fact that women's basketball is just bloody dreadful. 

According to C. Vivian, Don Imus caused the entire nation to miss out on the greatest sports story of the year. His racist, sexist attempt at humor prevented us from reveling in the Rutgers story.. one of inspiration, faith, and hard work...

Related question: If Don Imus wasn't a contemptible person, would you have remembered who Tennessee stomped to death in the National Championship game? Yeah, I didn't think so. Kind of sad but somewhat ironic considering one of Stringer's base complaints.

... Because of Don Imus, little girls with dreams won't be regaled with heroic tales of the Scarlet Knights, the veritable little engine that could.. they won't channel the fighting spirit of the five-feet nothin, one hundred and nothin, hardly a speck of athletic ability David that took on the Goliath women's college hoops and.. uh, well, got beat the fuck down. Wait, what? 

I acknowledge that as a team of inexperienced underclassmen, Rutgers had no business in the National Championship game but this wasn't Hickory verses South Bend Central. I didn't catch Norman Dale on those sidelines, did you? Rutgers is an established program that is perennially ranked in the national polls, contending for BIG EAST championships, and appearing in the Big Dance. Just last year, they posted a 27-5 overall record and a perfect 16-0 slate in BIG EAST play to win two regular season titles in a row. And this year, they managed to knock out a 22-8 record and a 4 seed in the NCAA tournament... pretty nice for a supposed upstart.

"Oh but we didn't have any seniors when we ran through the field!" Yeah? Well, two thumbs up for ya but you aren't some hard luck Cinderella coming out of nowhere to beat the odds. You play women's basketball - a sport where a good draw will give a young but talented team an 8 lane highway to the Final Four. Why? Because the sport boasts three elite teams, a few good ones, and another 800 that can't field a team where every member of the starting five can walk and chew gum at the same time. So while reaching the final game is an incredible achievement - especially for a school whose never had the honor - it wasn't that improbable. Don't get it twisted, Coach Stringer.

Last Call

I'm still getting brutalized in the real world, so my apologies for not being around much. But since the important thing on the planet this week is the NCAA bracket, I need to touch on that briefly...

I sent out invitations for our bracket tournament last Friday but if you think I missed you (and I did miss a few people), send me an email or instant message sometime today and I'll get one to ya immediately.

Cheers 

Looks Like a Good Old Fashioned Buckeye Butt-kickin'!

In new business, I had an update at Sports by Brooks today (Monday), so click over and ogle or peruse or whatever adjective you fancy.

In complaining business, I'm supposed to be in J-Bay (Jeffrey's Bay), South Africa right now surfing, strutting, and showing the beached masses what I've got. But due to a painfully unfortunate event last week, my boss has put a delay on my 5-week vacation, leaving me trapped in this hole for at least three more days. Though this move has nothing to do with me (I'm not the one that sucks), it's become necessary that I be around for various meetings and functions, so I'm now boarding to work in a painful mixture of sleet and rain when I should be on a wave taunting sharks with my stems... it's just not fair.

In an effort to make things fun for myself, I decided to go beach in my office this afternoon. After coming back from lunch, I snuck to the restroom and slipped on my swimsuit. Then I went to my office and shut the door. Though my skateboard wasn't the same as a surfboard, I stood on it anyway... trouble is, my carpet doesn't allow much in the way of rolling, so I sat at my desk for the better part of two hours before admitting to myself that I am a truly pathetic creature.

But moving on.. I know I have no hand when bringing up this subject but I can't say there's anything more satisfying right now than watching Cheaty McSweatervest, Troy S-myth, and ESPN shit the bed on national television. My hatred for Urban Meyer is pretty strong, so if I had my way, a bomb would have dropped on the stadium around the time the Ohio State Marching Band was ironically playing the theme song from Titanic during the halftime show. But since that wasn't a strong possibility, I didn't know what to do or for whom to cheer...

I knew I wanted Urban Meyer to die in a fire, I knew I wanted Columbus to tear itself apart in a frenzy of fear, misery, and madness, and I knew that I wanted the media's polishing of Troy Smyth's knob for finally becoming a leader after years of being a corrupt, money-taking asshole to end... But I suppose two out of three ain't bad. Besides, there's still plenty of time for number 1 to go down, right? :)

All the same, congratulations to Chris Leak and the Florida Gators, as well as Darren McFadden, who should be receiving his Heisman Trophy from Troy Smyth any day now.

Hurricanes DT Bryan Pata Gunned Down

University of Miami defensive tackle Bryan Pata was shot and killed at his apartment complex shortly after leaving practice this evening.

According to preliminary reports, Miami-Dade Fire Rescue responded to a call in reference to a woman discovering her boyfriend with a fatal gunshot wound to the head in the hallway of an apartment building.

This marks the fourth tragedy involving a player to strike the Hurricanes in recent years and the second shooting incident in the last 6 months.

Pata, a graduate of Miami Central High School, was in his fourth year with the Hurricanes and was expected to be selected in next spring's NFL draft. Last month, NFL draft analyst John Murphy said Pata was UM's only senior who had improved his draft stock and stood as a potential third-round pick.

In talking to friends at Miami, my understanding of Bryan Pata is that he was a good kid who was more interested in providing for his family than getting caught up in a lot of mess. There are a lot of thugs and malcontents in Coral Gables but from all reports thus far, Pata wasn't one of them. Now, maybe he strayed from the path or maybe he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but until the details are known, save the indignation and cheap shots. It's easy to pile on the Canes program and players after a tragedy like this but doing so is both foul and unnecessary.

John L. Smith "Resigns" from Sparty Implosion Squad

John L. Smith was forced to resign yesterday after three and a half seasons of random highs, countless lows, and a bevy of embarrassing, shameful moments, most of which occurred this season.

"The Notre Dame game broke everyone's heart. The Illinois game broke everybody's spirit."
And the Indiana game? That broke John L. Smith.

Smith, 22-23 in East Lansing, will be allowed to finish the season with Michigan State and hopes to become bowl eligible, as it would be "a heck of a going-away party." The Spartans are experts at pulling defeat out of the jaws of victory but finding two wins out of Purdue, Minnesota, and Penn State may not be difficult.

JoePa will roll over in his grave before he's downed by a fired coach at Happy Valley, so we can leave Penn State out of it. But Minnesota is nothing short of awful and Purdue's "basketball on grass" offense has gone from high-flying juggernaut to the YMCA hoops affair my dad signed me up for when I was 8 years old. I remember that league well... it featured 8-foot goals and final scores like 12-6 and 10-8. But every once in a while, the losing teams in those contests managed more points in one game than Purdue (13) in their last three Big10 contests.

If Sparty builds up enough steam, they may be able to down the Mighty Chippewas of Central Michigan in the Motor City Bowl.

+

At his "got resigned" press conference, Smith declined to speak about his performance as a coach, answered two random questions, and then ended the meeting by making a kissing noise to a female reporter who tried to ask a question. Now that's class.

To honor his departure, I'd like to share my favorite two moments from the Johnelle Era -- the halftime meltdown from 2005 OSU and, of course, the post game slap of 2006. It's only a shame there isn't more of this caught on tape.

Nobody Talks Noise in The OB!

I thought the 7th Floor Crew was a creative message to the sporting world that "The U" was back. This was a great relief to me because every sport, especially the sugary world of college football, needs a true badboy.. a team of punks and malcontents jacking people up and making great plays.

I love that stuff!

But "If Your Ho Only Knew," or "Ode to a Gangbang," as I prefer to call it, wasn't a message. It simply served as a tiny window into the culture of thuggery many thought had been eliminated by Butch Davis and Larry Coker... but it looks like Coker's Hans Brinker imitation could only last for so long.

I'm sure you know the story of the brutal melee that took place between Miami and Florida International on Saturday night, so I won't get into it. But I'd be remiss if I didn't call attention to the true gem of this shameful affair -- the live commentary provided by former Cane receiver/current Comcast broadcaster, Lamar Thomas.

Around the time the first player kicked another in the ribs, Thomas began rooting for the Canes to do more and more damage - "Now that's what I'm talkin' about. You come into our house, your should get your behind kicked." He also expressed outrage that scrubs from FIU would have the nerve to come up in "the OB" and "talk noise."

Things took an additional step toward the shameful, however, when Thomas went down memory lane - “If this would have been back in the days [sic], we would have called these guys – ‘Hey, meet us at Tamiami Park and let’s get it on without pads.'” It wasn't long before he expressed a desire to join the fracas.

Check out the brilliance:

After the brawl was over, Miami's players started jumping up and down with pride. You see, they'd successfully defended the Orange Bowl from big bad Florida International, a school who has had a football program for all of 4 seasons.

When play resumed, I sent a snide text to one of my friends at Miami - "classy team you got there." I expected him to express a bit of shame or embarrassment but instead, his reply read almost as if it was written by Lamar Thomas.

Hey, I suppose it's a Cane Thing and I wouldn't understand.

But something I do understand is that if this year's Miami was like Cane teams of old, FIU wouldn't have come up in the OB talkin noise. They would have taken their beating and gone home thankful to have played an elite program at the Orange Bowl.

Thing is, they didn't play an elite program; they played Larry Coker's Hurricanes. The same Hurricanes that lost to Florida State, got blown out at Papa John's Stadium, and aren't within miles of a ranking.

When you're suiting up against this bunch, it's a lot easier to walk into their house and disrespect them because the Canes aren't the Canes anymore. Sure, the fight helped reclaim their badboy image, but the most important things that have defined The U - style, swagger, and great football - have been lost for 5 years. And in times like these, indignance in the face of disrespect is simply not permitted.

Hopefully, Lamar will figure that out before Comcast drops him like a sack of dirt.

You're With Me, Leather

Bevo XIII, the longest serving mascot of the Texas Longhorns, passed into the great beyond today at the deliciously tender age of 22.

After being crowned a National Champion show steer, Bevo began serving as UT mascot in 1988 and saw two coaches - David McWilliams and John Mackovic - go down in flames before the Mack Brown Era began in 1998. 

His distinctive markings made him one of the most recognizable icons for the University of Texas.

Some highlights of his career include the "Shock the World" tour, a Big 12 Championship, Ricky Williams' Heisman campaign, a 28-10 beatdown of Oklahoma, the 2000 Presidential Inauguration, and the 1999 Big 12 Championship game where he unloaded his scorn on the Nebraska logo after the Cornhuskers defeated the Longhorns 22-6.

After a fulfilling career, Bevo retired to the fields to get beefed up proper. And if my understanding of aging beef is correct, a Bevo XIII Appreciation Dinner can be scheduled for, oh, 10 days out.

Gators 'D' to Vols: We're Taking Your Cheese to Make Deluxe Sammiches!

As fans of college football are aware, the Florida Gators travel to hostile Neyland Stadium this weekend to face the Tennessee Volunteers.

After a season where they failed to look coordinated enough to walk and chew gum at the same time, Tennessee's offense came out the gate this season looking quite impressive, thanks in no small part to the addition of OC David Cutcliffe. But according to UF safety Tony Joiner, who lead the defensive effort against offensive juggernauts Southern Miss and Central Florida, the Vol offense isn't just about to slow down. It's going to get shutout.

"That really is where we want to get. We really want to get into somebody else and take their cheese. Make a sandwich in the kitchen. Ham and cheese with a little turkey, mustard and mayonnaise."

I spent a few minutes trying to break down his statement and figured that cheese must be moxy or, even better, confidence! But why cheese for confidence? I had a Roasted Chicken Breast at Subway last night and while the melted shredded cheese made it good, the chipotle sauce made it a party in my mouth. If anything, Remedial Tony needs to be worried about stealing the chipotle... and I need to move on.

The one thing that isn't in question here is Remedial Tony's belief that the Gators, who shut out Central Florida and held Southern Miss to 7 points, have the best defense in the nation.

"That's how we feel, that's how we are going to play and that's what we're going to look forward to doing week in and week out, shut a team out..."We really can (do it again)."

Against Tennessee this week?

"Yes... We're just playing with unbelievable confidence right now. "We have a bunch of guys who are very, very talented who are getting the job done every time we step on the field. We just feel like it. We have a great scheme, we have great defensive coaches. Everything is in place."

HT: The Pen

Do You Take Lee Corso Seriously?

I was walking to the track to take the boys through their penalty sprints this morning, when a random kid crossed my path.

"Whoa! Can you believe what Lee Corso said about us Saturday?! He's SO STUPID! He picked ____! I can't believe it!" I nodded and said something about Corso being a no-nothing assclown, figuring that'd be the end of it. It was not. He told me all about a letter he's writing to ESPN, chastising them for allowing Corso on the air. So that's when I asked him, "Do you take Lee Corso seriously?"

"Well yeah, don't you?! I mean, he's a freaking ESPN analyst. He's supposed to know what's up! This is total bullshit!..." You get the idea.

Now, I used to be one of the idiots that got up in arms about the College Gameday crew predictions (not quite on this level though). It wasn't so much that they picked Team A over B or Team Y over Z that made me mad; it was the ridiculous logic they used to justify their calls:

--> A dramatization:

Lee Corso: Michigan will beat No-Trah Dame because No-Trah Dame will be looking ahead to Michigan State AND looking behind against Penn State!
Kirk Herbstreit: But Michigan has been a long time rival of the Irish, I can't imagine Notre Dame not taking them serious--
Corso: Not so fast, my friend! *slams fist on desk* The Irish WILL look past the Woooolveriiiiines.

But as soon as I wised up and accepted the fact that some of these goons don't know what day it is -- that Lee Corso is nothing but a clown present to entertain the drunken Gameday horde, that Lou Holtz's reasons for Notre Dame beating Team X is just as mentally defective as Mark May's reason that they'll be blown out by 20, that Chris Fowler's just lucky he's not doing women's basketball on the Deuce -- I directed my rage at other happenings.

There's just no logical reason to take these jerk-offs seriously. So the next time you get your panties in a bunch over these frauds, remember this picture and know that there's a reason Lee Corso is hanging out at College Gameday instead of the sideline where he thinks he belongs

The Day Bear Bryant Died

On a wintry day in 1983, songwriters Buddy Buie and Ronnie Hammond were holed up in a cabin on Atlanta's Lake Lanier, working on new songs for a possible Atlanta Rhythm Section album, when they saw on TV that Paul "Bear" Bryant, the legendary Alabama football coach, had died following a heart attack. They stopped what they were doing to write a song called "The Day Bear Bryant Died" mainly for themselves, just as a way of dealing with the loss... yes, you read that correctly. They had to deal with the loss. I suppose writing a song is cheaper than a therapy bill or a bottle of whiskey. But come on.. wouldn't you rather down the whiskey?

In any case, more than 23 years after Bryant's death, their song is finally being released. And that song, boys and girls, is high comedy... well, if you're not a 'Bama fan.

Here's a clip (and lyrics). While you listen, close your eyes, sit back, and imagine the scene -- thousands of Alabamans pouring out of their shacks, trucks, and plantations to do a Hands Across America-esque vigil.. quietly swaying back and forth with candlelights and Stars and Bars flickering in the background:

I'll never forget
The day that I heard the news
Bear Bryant has died
Funny, I thought he'd refuse
I watched as they laid him to rest
In ol' Alabama
Oh, how I cried
The day Bear Bryant died

Ya know, it's not quite Don McLean's "American Pie." Actually, it's not even close. But I suppose I have to admire the effort, after all - what have I written, right? Well, wake me up when Al Davis dies... the piece I pen when he's shuffled loose the mortal coil will put the 1812 Overture to shame.

Coker to Players: No More Guns... Call 911

Since bad things were done to members of the Miami Hurricanes football team instead of by them, this issue didn't get a lot of press. But last Friday morning, backup safety Willie Cooper was shot outside his home in an unexplained Menace II Society incident.

Cooper and his roommate, standout safety Brandon Meriweather, noticed a suspicious car parked outside their home near campus shortly after 6:30 a.m. Ignoring the rules of scary situations, they went outside to investigate and were greeted with gunfire, as a person crouched next to the house jumped up and shot Cooper in the arse. Meriweather (legally) returned the bullets with his own weapon but the assailant got away.

In the wake of this craziness, Hurricanes coach Larry Coker is taking a stand with plans to discourage players from owning handguns.

Plans to discourage... meaning, he hasn't done it before. Can someone tell me how the head coach of the University of Convicts has never thought to discourage the possession of weapons? How a coach who accepted a player with 11 prior arrests in 5 years for burglary, battery, and other offenses just let that mundane issue slip by the wayside? At least for the sake of keeping said player off the police blotter, don't you have that talk? This isn't Harvard; your defensive tackle didn't drive to campus from Phillips in his 350Z.

"I don't really want our players to have firearms. I'd rather they would dial 911 to come and handle those type of problems," Coker said at ACC Football Kickoff media days Monday. Coker also said he didn't know how many players had firearms and said it wasn't something he planned to find out. "I'm not going to take a head count on firearms, but I'll address it and discourage it, let's put it that way."

Translation: I'm putting my head back in the sand where I'll hope against hope that my players don't make me look like a dumbass. Way to put your foot down, Uncle Fester.

Instead of giving the "lecture" on not owning weapons, why doesn't Coker encourage his team to stay away from activities and individuals that result in suspicious vehicles being parked in front of houses and armed assailants waiting in the bushes?! It's one thing for players to own licensed handguns... when you play football or basketball for a high-profile program, it's highly likely that some crazed fan/idiot is going to end up on your doorstep at one point or another. Maybe they're dangerous and maybe not but I have no quarrel with a person in this situation having a weapon in their home. However, when an athlete has a weapon to protect himself against the possibility of random gangsters showing up at his home to engage in shootouts before its even appropriate to roll out of bed for an Egg McMuffin, there is a serious problem.

Someone in that house is currently or has engaged in criminal activity and maybe the coach should do his due diligence to check that out. There is a severe difference between having a gun to protect oneself from random acts of violence and being strapped if and when the gang rolls up on your porch.

In the Land of the Blind, the One-Eyed Man is King

At least 42 million times during the fall, the Midwestern college football fan will ask, shout, scream, and ponder the following (expletives not included): are BigTen refs half-blind or just stupid.

Well wouldn't ya know it, the Big Integer employed a referee that is literally half-blind. Whether he is stupid or not is up for debate.

Let me preface this by saying that the conference should be commended for hiring a man whose eyes were in working order nearly 13 years ago. I have to assume an eye exam was apart of the interview process and all employed referees pass with flying colors. Having said that, I wish I had four arms so I could give four hearty thumbs down to the Big 10 for lack of institutional control (I know that phrase, too, NCAA!).

You see, In the spring of 2000, referee James Filson lost his eye when it "ran into" the corner of a table. Rather than be a man of integrity and do the honorable thing, Filson opted against telling his bosses about his injury. Instead, he kept things on the low and went back to work as if nothing was wrong. Now, this type of move isn't so dishonorable if you're, say, a lawyer or a plumber or Sammy fucking Davis. But when you have a job where the quality of vision and your brain's ability to analyze and interpret what is seen is of paramount importance, you just don't say, "Bah! Two eyes are for chumps!" and brush it off! There are things to consider - depth perception, peripheral vision, ability to focus. If you're a born cyclops, maybe these aren't issues of importance but in the world of non-mutant humanity, the loss of an eye is a pretty big deal! Or maybe not.

In Filson's 5 years as the pirate ref, he officiated two Bowl games and his reviews were, "on average, substantially better than the reviews he received in the eight years preceeding the loss of his eye." But it made no difference once Lllllllllllllloyd Carr got wind of Filson's "disability." He advised the Big Ten Commissioner and soon after, Filson had a pink slip due to his lack of "full field vision" and failure to "to fulfill the minimum physical requirements." Like most people these days, Filson is a litigious soul and is suing to get his job back, as well as back pay and unspecified damages.

Only in the Big Ten can a referee lose an eye, see an improvement in his on the job reviews, and then get the boot. I wish I could be on the jury for this one to laugh at the BigTen and their arguments. As far as I'm concerned, it is they who should be fired for employing a referee with a glass eye for nearly six years and not noticing. Fucking wankers.

What Happened to Brian Cushing?

I'm sure you've all seen the homoerotic poster done each year by the USC football team called Gladiators of the Coliseum. If you haven't (or would like a refresher), take a gander -- the annual photo features the entire football team, oiled up, flexing, and ready to put the wood to you... in whatever way you like it. The O-line aside, you really can't find a bad body in the bunch. So after being sent the following pictures, I'm wondering what in God's name happened to sophomore USC linebacker, Brian Cushing.

I remember Brian Cushing well. He and my ex played on the same high school team and when I went back to Jersey with him one weekend, we watched Cushing in the secondary. He wasn't remarkable physically but he was pretty good. A couple years later, I saw him again and by this time, he'd developed into a jacked beast.. an absolute animal. So when the recruiters came calling, he was the must-have linebacker; the future anchor of a defense that would punish anything and anyone who got in his way. At 18 years old, he was already 6'4" 235 and was a member of every high school all-star team you can think of -- Parade All-American, USA Today All-USA first team, Super Prep Elite 50, Prep Star Top 100 Dream Team, Student Sports Top 100, Rivals 100, Super Prep All-American, Prep Star All-American, Tom Lemming All-American, Scout.com All-American first team, EA Sports All-American second team, Super Prep All-Northeast Defensive Player of the Year, Prep Star All-East and All-State Defensive Player of the Year as a senior linebacker, running back and tight end at Bergen Catholic High, etc etc etc.

Meet Brian Cushing circa summer 2004.

And meet Brian Cushing now...

It's hard to believe it's the same guy. Before leaving for USC, Brian Cushing was participating in Strongman training and a year later, his breasts are overdue for a milking. How does a body like this go to pot so quickly?

At first I thought - well, hey, the college life. A lot of guys arrive with nice bodies. They were high school athletes with fast metabolisms and they were lookin good. But then they settle in and get addicted to Half Life, Madden, power hours, and keg races. After 8 months of pizza, late nights at Denny's, and copious amounts of alcohol, they've drank on 20 pounds and a pair of fleshy B cups. That's to be expected. But how can the same happen to a specimen like this in the 4 months between the regular season's end and spring practice? I know Cushing had a surgery for a dislocated shoulder but I have a hard time accepting that this level of gynecomastia is the unfortunate result. Christ, I'd think the calories he burned chasing prized wool around Los Angeles could have helped him to avoid the double chin, at the very least!

So what's the deal --- Is USC's S&C program so incompetent that they couldn't manage to keep a guy with a dislocated shoulder from turning into Bluto Blutarsky? Or was Cushing up to something a bit more dodgy in those recruiting years and months subsequent to and is now failing to handle cycling down properly?

I don't know what's going on with this situation - maybe it's a fluke. Maybe it's a bad picture angle. Who knows? But whatever's up, I think it's fair to say that something is wrong here. I hope the kid gets himself together. His potential is ridiculous and it'd be a shame for that to be thrown away.

Wankers Run Nike's Marketing & Design Departments

I was mortified yesterday when a friend sent me a disturbing image of Wayne Rooney, drenched in blood-red paint in the image of St. George's cross/Christ/Crusader and screaming a war cry. It's more than fair to say that if our team is going to make a run in the World Cup, it will be due to his presence but Savior of English football or not, this is this is offensive on so many levels. As one would expect, it has provoked fierce condemnation:

After the Rooney ad, I was pretty sure Nike couldn't top itself... then I saw the unveiling for the new Oregon Ducks uniforms. Thanks Nike, for making my eyes bleed. These things are fucking wretched. But where should the mockery begin?! Perhaps we should start with the diamond plate trim that's better served on a truck with a gun rack and a Dale, Jr. sticker in the back than a football uniform. [Side note - get a load of the tattoo on #86. Rather than stick to the cliched barbed wire, this git went for the entire barnyard fence. You talk about intimidation!]

Maybe Oregon can suit up some of its players in this get up and form a team for the next remake of Rollerball, or better yet, have them pose as extras in the next installment of Mad Max.

Chris Rix Takes Irony to the Next Level

You all remember Chris Rix, right? You should. Even though it's been two years since he left Florida State and the stranglehold on mediocrity that he helped establish, it certainly felt like he was a Nole for 8 or 9.

After Rix graduated and subsequently went undrafted, I still believed that when college football opened in the fall, I'd see his big blockhead under center. But wouldn't ya know it - the day arrived and there were no stories by Brent Musberger and his gang of incompetents on Rix's life struggles; no comments about him being one of the most polarizing players in the history of college football; no more "Rix Happens" t-shirts in the crowd. It was surreal. He was gone. The guy was obnoxiously mediocre for so long that I never thought a time would exist when he wasn't in my life. I tell you, it was a sobering moment.

So, as you can imagine, it was a time of great celebration when I stumbled across this: The Chris Rix Champion Training Academy. Oh yes, it's real!

At Champion, Rix will teach the budding Heisman hopeful in your life how to "Aim for Greatness" with personalized weight and cardio training, as well as a disciplined nutrition and diet program.

Though Rix never qualified for braintrust duty, he is (and I imagine, remains) a superior physical specimen. So it's reasonable to assume that he has something to offer in the way of helping young athletes get the most out of their bodies. But rather than stop where his expertise ends, Rix has the audacity to offer tips on, of all things, being a "Championship QB."

Take a moment to laugh. I know I did.

I have to give Rix props for his creative signature... making the "C" into a football shape complete with laces and dotting his "i" with a cross is top shelf. Nice work, Chris. You can school me anytime! w00t!

Rules one through three and five through seven make total sense. Bravo Chris. But let's take a look at rules 4 and 8 - 10.

• Rule 4: "AIM" FOR GREATNESS... Help your receiver with an accurate and catchable pass.
• Rule 8: USE YOUR EYES TO LOOKOFF... Make sure not to stare-down or lock-on your target until it is time to make the throw.
• Rule 9: I.H.O.  IS HE OPEN?!... Don’t risk throwing an interception, turnovers will hurt you and your team.

Antrel Rolle: "He can be rattled. He has a tendency to lose his focus and just throw the ball anywhere -- not looking for a target, but just throwing the ball."

Then there's Rule 10: SERVE YOU TEAMMATES (sic)... Show you (sic) teammates a selfless/unselfish player who puts them first. Amazingly, the website omits rules 11, 12, and 12a: "Don't sleep through your exams and get suspended for the Sugar Bowl;" "Even when in a hurry, don't use unauthorized tags to park in a handicap spot when regular spaces are available;" "Avoid using the 'outpatients only' spot at your university's geriatric clinic."

Chris Rix has about as much right teaching kids about THESE fundamentals as I do going to an elementary school to give a lecture on how to avoid becoming mad with drink. If Rix wants to run a camp, fine. He is/was an exceptionally talented quarterback who clearly didn't become the player he was supposed to be; I'm sure he has a lot of knowledge to impart to the youngins. But when you spend a career disregarding four of your own rules for being a champion quarterback, you forfeit the right to impart said "wisdom" on children who think you're putting them on the fast track to the next level.

Rix is a guy who, in his senior year, couldn't hit the ocean if he stood on a beach, but if he can convince idiot parents to fork over their hard-earned dollars under the illusion that he can make their kids winners, more power to him.

As the saying goes, "there's a sucker born every minute" and I'm sure Chris Rix will happily take money from more than his fair share.

Congrats to Matt Geiger - NCAA Bracket Champ

Congratulations to my sexy beast of a loverman, Matt Geiger, winner of the Seinfeld House & Friends NCAA Tournament bracket. Though Geiger had a few stumbles, he finished in the 99th percentile of all ESPN bracket competitors by accurately picking the outcome of the LSU/UCLA half of the Final Four and putting the 57 people in our group to shame with his other lucky knowledgeable picks. As promised, Matt wins a plate of homemade brownies from yours truly and will have the opportunity to take advantage of me later tonight when I am inevitably mad with drink.

JJ Redick's Last Game

If random upsets in the first two rounds were a roadblock in my drive for victory in various NCAA brackets this month, Duke's loss to LSU has just taken my hopes, crumpled them up, and set them on fire. I'm done. I'm fecking toast. All I'm hoping for now are respectable rankings when the final points are tallied, so I can say, "Well ... well... at least I didn't have Tennessee in the Final Four... chump!" But even though I foolishly believed the Blue Devils could get past a team that knew how to play defense, this didn't stop me from making smart ass predictions on SportsbyBrooks -- a prediction that turned out to be completely spot on because it was so damn obvious that something like this was about to happen (this won't stop my gloating, however). Though it's true that I wouldn't be highlighting this blurb if Duke had come out on top, isn't it good that I'm openly admitting it?

In my Tuesday update on SportsbyBrooks, I did a blurb on an article about JJ Redick and his post-game "gift" to two Duke fans after the Blue Devils' 2nd round win over George Washington...

Duke's J.J. Redick exited the coliseum Sunday with his winning game shoes in hand but he celebrated Duke's win by throwing them into a crowd of fans.

Travis Steele caught one of the shoes, "I snagged that bad boy. This is a prized possession. I've been a Duke fan for 20 years. Got my son pulling for them. This is special. Of all the Duke things we've got at the house, this is number 1. It was sweet ... I'm about at a loss for words."

Steele doesn't know just how much these shoes are worth. Redick has averaged 20 points per game over his career but just 12.6 in the sweet 16 and beyond. With a 2-3 record in those situations it is very likely Travis Steele now owns the last right shoe J.J. wore in a collegiate victory.

The wonder that is my omniscience makes me quiver.

At Least My Final Four Is Intact

Since Thursday, I have thrown my hands to my head and screamed "OHHHHHHHH!" (while watching basketball) around 35 times. Problem was, 20 or so of those oh-face moments ended in emotions ranging from rage to sadness to absolute confusion, as pick after pick after bloody pick down in flames. But somehow, through all this losing, all my final four teams in all my brackets remain, so maybe, just maybe, things could work out for the best. For the picks of mine that have hung in so far, thank you so very much... my ego really appreciates all your hard work, effort, and all other applicable cliches. You walking the walk, is helping me back up my talk. Good form! But for the rest of you...

You Fucked Me & Now I Hate You!
- Iowa... it's not even like I thought you were any good. But you strokers won one of the two toughest conference tournaments in the country. Having said that, shame on me for picking you to win a couple rounds. I should've known better since your coach has one won NCAA tournament game in his tenure at your bogus university.
- Kansas... I'm never picking you again... at least, not until Bill Self is coaching elsewhere.
- Michigan State... I actually hated you already; fuck off.
- Arkansas... I wasn't really against you until now. In fact, a story about your chumpy little school tugged at my heartstrings when I watched an ESPN Classic special on your National Championship team from the 60s, back in the days when Jerry Jones' face wasn't completely composed of botox and plastic.
- Tennessee... I should've known when two of your criminals were arrested on crack charges that the future looked bleak. I wonder how Bruce Pearl's outfits looked under the influence of the rock.. must've been trippy.

I hope all of the campuses that house these schools catch fire in riotous activities and burn to the ground. For screwing me over, that's AT LEAST what they deserve. Lucky for me, the ineptitude of these teams and their coaches hasn't completely ruined my March Madness experience. I'm tied for second in one bracket, third in another, and I'm leading the "free" fun happening at the office. However, these small victories don't make up for the fact that I'm tied for 47th place in my own goddamn league at ESPN - what kind of hostess am I?! I got this message today: "Thanks for inviting me... to kick your ass!!"

The time is coming... There will be a reckoning.

Cincinnati Player Has Most Inflammatory Name Ever

If you thought Landocalrissian Butler and Simon Legree were bad, check this out. I present to you, the most inflammatory name of modern times:

You think he's on the no-fly list? Jesus. Again, I have to ask - how does a person do something like this to his or her child? Now, I know the word "jihad" didn't elicit the same feelings amongst Americans in the '80s as it does now but naming a child that still makes zero sense. Jihad is taken from the Arabic root, jhd, which means exertion, struggle, or strife. In Islam, jihad is the struggle for the faith. It can manifest on the outer in a holy war against pagans and enemies of islam, or on the inner, as the spiritual process and personal war against one's own vices (also known as the greater jihad). So which one is this young man? Is he the violent manifestation? Should members of the BIG EAST and those in this year's NIT field look out for an impending attack? Or is he supposed to embody the personal struggle? Maybe his parents, Ahmad and Sharon Muhammed, just liked the way Jihad sounded. Whatever it is, I'd like to throw a "shame on you" in their general direction... I also think I oughta call my mom and thank her for not screwing me up and naming me Crusades.

[Hat tip: Matt Geiger]

NCAA Bracket Tournament Challenge

For the fifth straight year, our house is hosting an NCAA Tournament league over at the devil's website, ESPN. If you'd like to join the fun, feel free to send me an email or instant message me
and one of us will get you the group name and password straight away.

I doubt there'll be prizes for the winner but if you're nice enough, maybe I can scrounge up a batch of brownies... if you trust me. 
Cheers!

Rapping About The Measly Penny With The Michigan Wolverines

There are two things about the University of Michigan that I can always count on - 1) Wolverine football players will always go out of their way to underachieve and then whine about it; and 2) As football coach Lloyd Carr ages, he will continue to look more and more like Gargamel from the Smurfs. Where Azrael is, I don't know, but I hold out hope that an orange tabby cat will appear on the sidelines at the Big House sometime soon.

In any case, I guess it goes without saying that one of these absolutes in life has proved itself once again.. this time in the players. Remember the 7th Floor Crew - The rapping gangbangers from the Miami Hurricanes football team that didn't mean to wow the masses with their tales of nutting in girls eyes with 52" dicks while the rest of the Crew cheered in the background? Well their work is like a Wu-Tang track in comparison to the nonsense put forth by junior Wolverine footballers Jerome Jackson, Tyrone Jordan and Landon Smith**. The trio, nicknamed "The Mean Team," rags on a girl who "say she’s a dime, she’s a measly penny." Stupid girl. Not only is this girl not cool enough to let them triple team her and bust a few in her face, she also claims to be Lebron James' cousin.. BIG no-no! "The Team," however, sets the record straight by stating, "You don't know LeBron James. I don't even want to know you, so I know he don't." Glad we got that cleared up.  In any case, give it a listen and have a laugh:

For the concerned, it seems that no disciplinary action has taken place... not that it matters - these boys aren't exactly what you'd call contributers.  Jackson, a tailback, rushed for 228 yards and three touchdowns for the Wolverines last season and is the only one of the three who received significant playing time in 2005. Jordan and Smith are wide receivers that I'm pretty sure are walk-ons... they were also members of National Honor Society while in high school... dyed in the wool thugs.

Mike Davis, What Took You So Long?

1. Mike Davis is a reactionary nutjob
2. Mike Davis is an awful coach
   
3. Mike Davis is only person in the State of Indiana that thinks Mike Davis is exceptional

The Original Comments

No Cheese on my Sausage McMuffin, Mr. Vick

Thanks, Vince

Confused President Bush Nabs Reggie Bush's Heisman

Vince Young + Gangsters + Trash talk = National Championship.

IU Hoosiers Lose to Indiana State.

Virginia Tech: Perennial Pretenders