Yawn: Giants vs. Dolphins at Wembley

The jig is up, kids.

Boss recently discovered that I have a weekly Friday installment at Sports by Brooks and he was not down with the conflict of interest. After a long discussion where he talked and I stared at him while thinking about the bowl of Lucky Charms growing soggy on my desk, we decided (as in, he decided and I nodded my head) that it was best for me to resign my little post.

So head over to check out my last day of work and ogle some boobies while you're at it because you're stuck over here from now on and I won't be showing you tits (mine or anyone else's) before each installment of anger and sarcasm.

In other news, the Giants and Dolphins are the two unlucky teams slated to travel to London this fall for a gridiron battle in front of rugby fans with nothing better to do.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the whole point of this overseas madness to broaden the reach of the game - gain some new fans, sell some more jerseys?

If so, how did the NFL ever rationalize scheduling such a snoozer at Wembley Stadium?

If their reasoning is that there's no use in sending a marquee team (or a team with a marquee player) because England is owned by soccer, rugby, and cricket - fine. I can accept that. Should that be the case, then sending the Giants actually sounds like a good idea. They won't be able to put Tiki on parade and give the English a sense of Johnny Wilkinson but they can showcase Eli and then sell both his and Peyton's jerseys in the concourse. It's like a two-fer. Most of the English won't know the difference and will simply assume that they're buying home and away kits for the same bloke.

But if they're trying to give this whole "real men play football like Americans!" display, then send out some real teams! Or at least a real player! You can't come correct showing up with Eli Manning, Ronnie Brown, and a guy on the DL that does bizarre commercials with Subway Jared! Having been knocked out of playoff contention by the end of October, the Dolphins will be wholly uninspired and the Giants will be in the process of commencing their annual 5-game skid. But now that I've talked this out, maybe that's what the NFL is on about... this whole plan is like killing four birds on a wire with a shotgun - give the English a little pickle tickle, take Jeremy Shockey out of the trailer park and get him a little culture, and make a few dollars all without destroying any real team's hope at a Super Bowl run!

I think I get it now. Bravo, NFL! 

Looks Like a Good Old Fashioned Buckeye Butt-kickin'!

In new business, I had an update at Sports by Brooks today (Monday), so click over and ogle or peruse or whatever adjective you fancy.

In complaining business, I'm supposed to be in J-Bay (Jeffrey's Bay), South Africa right now surfing, strutting, and showing the beached masses what I've got. But due to a painfully unfortunate event last week, my boss has put a delay on my 5-week vacation, leaving me trapped in this hole for at least three more days. Though this move has nothing to do with me (I'm not the one that sucks), it's become necessary that I be around for various meetings and functions, so I'm now boarding to work in a painful mixture of sleet and rain when I should be on a wave taunting sharks with my stems... it's just not fair.

In an effort to make things fun for myself, I decided to go beach in my office this afternoon. After coming back from lunch, I snuck to the restroom and slipped on my swimsuit. Then I went to my office and shut the door. Though my skateboard wasn't the same as a surfboard, I stood on it anyway... trouble is, my carpet doesn't allow much in the way of rolling, so I sat at my desk for the better part of two hours before admitting to myself that I am a truly pathetic creature.

But moving on.. I know I have no hand when bringing up this subject but I can't say there's anything more satisfying right now than watching Cheaty McSweatervest, Troy S-myth, and ESPN shit the bed on national television. My hatred for Urban Meyer is pretty strong, so if I had my way, a bomb would have dropped on the stadium around the time the Ohio State Marching Band was ironically playing the theme song from Titanic during the halftime show. But since that wasn't a strong possibility, I didn't know what to do or for whom to cheer...

I knew I wanted Urban Meyer to die in a fire, I knew I wanted Columbus to tear itself apart in a frenzy of fear, misery, and madness, and I knew that I wanted the media's polishing of Troy Smyth's knob for finally becoming a leader after years of being a corrupt, money-taking asshole to end... But I suppose two out of three ain't bad. Besides, there's still plenty of time for number 1 to go down, right? :)

All the same, congratulations to Chris Leak and the Florida Gators, as well as Darren McFadden, who should be receiving his Heisman Trophy from Troy Smyth any day now.

The Autumn Wind's Stench Hurts My Braincase

This post is dedicated to John, an ace chap from the great state of Washington who spends his days eating apples and creating acoustic magic. Here's to your fix, mate.

So it's been about a month since I posted with any regularity and then I went and lied to you by promising to be back two days ago. Well kids, I'm finally here to deliver. After four weeks of being completely up against it and having it end in humiliating futility, I'm on vacation and ready to yak at you.

I've missed far too much to comment on it now but I'll touch on a couple of the more irritating things that happened to me over the break..

I went down to Indianapolis a few weeks ago to watch the Colts and Bengals duke it out on Monday Night Football. I'm not a fan of either team but I'm not one to pass up tickets to what was supposed to be a solid contest. So we're in our seats for about a minute when this drunken reprobate shows up in the preceding row with a $12 beer. It took him about a minute to turn around and shout "WHO DEYYYYY!" in my face with breath so strong that it singed my noise hair and made my eyes water. He was rank. Absolutely foul. He was an abomination. And he danced to that goddamn Who Dey chant for the better part of a half hour. When the game finally started, he sat down and took off his coat. That's when I noticed this - the epitome of all jersey offenses:

Lemme tell you something, Bengal fan. It is the complete assclown, and he alone, that sports the number 69 after graduating from high school. But it is another person entirely who does so on an authentic NFL jersey that also has HMFIC on the back. After taking a picture of it, I gave him a tap and asked for a definition. "Acronyms aren't really my strong suit," I said. "Baby baby baby, I am the H.M.F.I.C. I am the HEEEEEAD Motherfucker in CHAHHH-GE!... WHO DEY!! WHO DEY!! WHO DEY THINK GON-" You get the rest. Up until that point, I had remained fairly calm with this twat's antics but that really was the last straw. What bothered me even more is that if anyone in this situation was supposed to be the head motherfucker in charge, I assure you, it was definitely me - who was acting as the sober, sane one for once in my life.. I spent the better part of the night eating nachos and fantasizing about kicking him in the teeth. But on the plus side, I made a brief "appearance" on Sports Center, as a highlight was shown of a Bengal fumble recovery that occurred directly in front of my seat. While chumpy engaged in song and dance, I stared at him with hateful disgust. Huzzah (kinda).

Beyond that, I can't recall anything of note that occurred - well nothing that I need to weigh in on 15 days after the fact, at least.

Let's see... I have an update at SportsbyBrooks, so check that out. Aside from obvious snippets about Art Shell and Bill Cowher, you can also check out the Daniela Cicarelli (Ronaldo's ex-wife) sex video, a Utah boy that found hardcore porn in a case of Madden 07, and from the "Like Clay Aiken, Some Schmo is Getting Hotter Ass Than You" Files, Jim Lampley got drunk, zooted, and then administered a beatdown on his girlfriend - Miss California 2003. I like to assume that the poor girl said something that reminded Lamps of Larry Merchant and he lost his head.

The most important news of the day is that the Art Shell experiment has come to an unceremonious end. It seems he had a meeting with Al Davis and the two came to the mutual agreement that Shell move into the front office rather than continue to pilot the Raiders on a way ship to hell. When Davis hired Shell, I posted that this is how the process made me feel:

The Rainbow Warrior Plants Seed in Ingrid Vandebosche

Do you ever think you're gonna have a slow week at work where you can catch up and get everything squared away but then get smacked in the face with unforeseen bullshit?

It's not that I can't handle it or that I have some unrealistic view of the working world (if that's what you even call this). But I've been looking forward to finals week for a while... no players, no training sessions, just me getting clear. And yet I end up at work at 5 am and I didn't leave until 6:30. That was okay LAST week but not this one!! Ugh. somebody needs to call the waaambulance to pick up my sorry arse and dump me somewhere to whine it out.

Anyway, I've covered for Paul Katcher on Sports by Brooks for the last two weeks, so I've been doing Wednesdays in addition to my regular Friday routine. As such, I kindly request that you check out the goods --

• I got creative with photoshop and found a trio of fans for the NBA's old "new" basketball
• The Rainbow Warrior plants the seed in Ingrid Vandebosche
• Joey Porter calls Kellen Winslow a fag, offends gays, apologizes to gays, reiterates opinion that Winslow is still a fag (and soft, too)
  
• Former Marquette coach Al McGuire's Rules for Marriage involves delivering bad news on your way to the bathroom
• Ohio State fan fires the first youtube rap strike at the Florida Gators
• Brazil bids for 2014 World Cup... start the riot fires now
• Luminescent displays on basketball jerseys show individual stats
• Notre Dame leads BCS teams in eBay sales while Boise State has sold less items than the state has militia groups
• Tampa Bay Devil Rays find their new DH
• Big Ten smokes SEC in AP All-America selections
• Maxim Online's Hockey's Toughest Bastards

Chief Wahoo and Cardinals to Play in Inaugural Civil Rights Game

Major League Baseball will stage its inaugural "Civil Rights Game" this spring in Memphis, the home of the National Civil Rights Museum and the city where Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968.

The defending World Series champion St. Louis Cardinals will play the Cleveland Indians in an exhibition at AutoZone Park.

I'm pretty sure this means that Chief Wahoo, a fiery red, hook-nosed, wildly grinning caricature that is about as politically correct as a depiction of two black children in overalls with big eyes and big lips eating watermelon will play in a Civil Rights game...

During the broadcast, look for Joe Buck to boast new Fox Sports technology that will show viewers exactly how many rotations per second Dr. King is spinning in his grave.

In other news, yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of Le Trade, the 5-player deal that changed the NHL and sent Patrick Roy from the Montreal Canadiens to the Colorado Avalanche and legend status.

For those who need a recap, tensions between Roy and then Habs manager Mario Tremblay came to a head when the goalie was humiliated on home ice by the Detroit Red Wings and their nine goals in 31 minutes (and by Tremblay for leaving him in that long).

I'm just curious - when your colossal cock-up births one of the greatest goalies in NHL history while simultaneously destroying one franchise and building another, do you bother to look for a silver lining or do you slink away to Minnesota where people are too nice to laugh at you?

I assume you know what I'm going to say next but I'm saying it anyway!

Check out my update at SportsbyBrooks today, which features the above goodness, as well as the following nuggets:

• Duke grad finds a way to filter out Dick Vitale from ESPN broadcasts
• Bradford City fanzine creates book on Leeds United achievements... much like David Beckham's book on his international achievements, the pages are blank
  
• George Boateng gives Manchester City's Paul Dickov a run for his money
• Jim Tressel's pussy routine keeps people from noticing that Howard Schnellenberger of Florida Atlantic has no business voting in the coaches poll
• The Onion does Michael Irvin's most famous quotes
  
• Jose Mourinho rushed to hospital after ginormous ego starts hurting his braincase
• Chad Johnson shows Saints Coach Sean Payton why you should never trust a man with gold teeth
• Mr. Irrelevant's Top 40 Sports Figures of 2006
• I miss the days when Derek Jeter and A-Rod were posing for Miami gay singles websites
• Disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson says Carl Lewis had his beer tainted with steroids to gain the gold medal
  

Dwayne Jarrett: Snoop Dogg's a Role Model

Today's nuggets can be found at Sports by Brooks where I wax poetic on the following:

• Mal Moore gives up and takes the Alabama coaching search to a local Build-a-Bear
• The World Chess Federation to enforce drug testing on competitors to impress IOC
• Kim Jong Il trying to ruin South Korea's medal hopes with talk of equal representation
• Jessica Simpson's alimony buys AAA baseball team
• A male birth control pill could be on the way as soon as it passes the Shawn Kemp level of testing
• Mike Vanderjagt could be out of the NFL for the rest of the year
  
• David Carr to Texans fans: Wear Silver & Black to the Coliseum!
• LaDainian Tomlinson wants his fantasy football cut
• Quick Getaway Nike cross trainers
• George Steinbrenner's son-in-law is pissing off the New York horse racing circuit
• Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco takes time away from Hurricane Katrina cleanup to stump for LSU's BCS bowl hopes
• Arsenal's Emirates Stadium linked in death of former KGB Agent Alexander Litvinenko
• Dwayne Jarrett after Snoop Dogg's most recent arrest: "He's been a great person being around our program. He's definitely one of the role models."

Maxim Steakhouse Waitresses Will Wear Clothes!

I know there are only 15 minutes left in the day but the following Tuesday musings can be found in my update at Sports by Brooks:

• ESPN plans to air animated spots showing players like Kobe Bryant and teams like the Mavericks surpassing previous achievements while a cartoon-Shaq laughs in the background
• The waitresses at Maxim Steakhouses will be fully clothed, making the restaurant the equivalent of a Playboy theme park that features the articles
• Office Depot doesn't just sponsor Carl Edwards anymore; it's moved on to other big-money franchises like rubber band ball making
• The US government gives Cuban dissidents millions to build democracy in Cuba and the jerks don't even bother to use some cash to lure baseball players into the US... Congress is investigating
• MSU hoops coach Tom Izzo harbors secret desire to replace Slappy Smith as the football coach
• More gems from Art Shell's bizarro world
• Dartmouth scientists have found a way for record-setting athletes to earn their *
• Bobby Bowden blames his son Jeff's resignation on the dadgum media, who "listen to eBay and email and junk." Bowden then told media to get off his lawn
• Uncle Fester has no plans to resign as the University of Miami football coach
• Naval Academy officials in trouble with Congress after delaying urine testing on admitted steroid using football players
• The LA Dodgers plan to pay Juan Pierre $154,000 per steal over the next five years
• David Beckham is a dandy fop... but you knew that already

Since Paul Katcher's work will be going up in the morning, you'll have to scroll down for mine. But, as usual, I hope you enjoy.

Cheers mates!

PS. Friday's post would have been similar but with different snippets. While I'm sorry to have neglected the lot of you, something tells me you survived.

Curt Schilling Finishes Last on Celebrity Jeopardy

Check out today's musings on SportsbyBrooks where I make sniping comments on the following nuggets:

• Alex Rodriguez loses his "sounding board" with Sheffield's trade to Detroit
• Arizona Diamondbacks get new uniforms, vow to stop making our eyes bleed
• AJ Hawk sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber that increases red blood cells, size of manhood remains unaffected
  
• Yao Ming Sanitary pads and disposable underwear... just the man I want helping me out down there
• NYC residents can get potent strains of weed delivered to their door, reminding me just how much South Bend sucks
  
• Snag your next marlin with The Million Dollar Lure - sadly, that's not just a clever name
• Penny Marshall may direct the Joe Frazier biopic, final scene - Frazier to Ali: "die in a fire"
• Defend Indianapolis!
• Donovan McNabb unveils the Super Five clothing line for fatties "big men" that are sick of their clothes ripping when they sneeze
• Alabama student proposes banning Mississippi State from the SEC because they suck; the Mar oon Bulldogs respond by pounding the Tide
• North Carolina high school soccer team plays speech by Joseph Goebbels over the PA during pre-game; Croatian fans beam with pride
• Curt Schilling finished Jeopardy in dead last with $0

I'm an avid Jeopardy watcher, so I was pretty excited to see Curt Schilling on "Celebrity Jeopardy" last night. It's not often that I can actively root for someone to lose before they irritate me during the lame personal information segment, so I was feeling pretty lucky.

I have no problem with Curt Schilling, the pitcher. He's an amazing competitor and one of the most dominating pitchers of this era. Curt Schilling, the pitcher, commands respect. But off-the-field Schilling, the egomaniacal windbag? That guy chaps my arse.

Off-the-field Schilling doesn't just think he's omniscient, he also believes that the public is clamoring for his opinions, be they on social issues, political issues, or, well, any issue at all.

I'm in full support of people shouting their opinions from the rooftops but I take issue when an individual fancies him or herself an unquestioned authority by simple virtue of being a public figure.

Schilling is a serious offender in this regard. His ability to throw 95 mph fastballs and play through the pain shouldn't grant him expert status on geopolitical crises anymore than working on Syriana and The Thin Red Line should for George Clooney and Sean Penn.

But somehow, those are all the qualifications they need.

Tom Cruise got to watch Kurt Russell play a psychiatrist in Vanilla Sky, is well-versed in Scientology literature, and has a million-watt smile. Now he's ready to slang some knowledge about non-existence of clinical imbalances and yoga and a bottle of Centrum as the cure for depression.

Makes perfect sense.

You know what I'd like to do? Dump Schilling, Clooney, Penn, Cruise, and the rest of those self-important sacks on a Lost-ish island and let them duke it out. Schilling would likely emerge victorious, having beaten Sean Penn to death with a coconut but I digress... I don't even know where I'm going with this.

<-- Back to Jeopardy --> 

Curt spent a good deal of the first round in silence, holding his signaling button in the air while wearing a blank stare and a stupidly optimistic grin. But sometime in Double Jeopardy, he went on a three question rampage: 

• Shiny Things: this is counted as 1/20 of a British Pound
• What is a shilling -- how ironic
• Sounds the Same: ___ is a saline substance produced by the eye; one of two ro more layers one atop another
• What is tear/tier
• Sounds the Same (the Daily Double!): the right to ___ arms; and something about not wearing sleeves on your arms makes them ____
• What is bear/bare

It was like the scene in White Men Can't Jump where Rosie Perez whiped out the "Foods That Start with the Letter Q" category.

Schilling's score jumped from $600 to $4400 and left him trailing Malcolm in the Middle's mom and the gay guy from Melrose Place by $8000.

But then Final Jeopardy dropped this brainbuster:

• Celebrity Ancestors: Her great-great-grandmother, Louisa Lane Drew, once appeared in a play with the father of John Wilkes Booth

Schilling, who bet it all, answered: Who is Nancy Drew?

...

Look, I understand some people aren't aware that Drew Barrymore is something like a 12th generation actor, not to mention the only Drew of note in Hollywood. Pop culture isn't everybody's bag. But Nancy Drew? The fictional character? The girl whose next turn in a novel may have as much detective work as threesome action with the Hardy Boys?

Come on, Curt.  

Toronto Reporter May Drive Ricky Williams Back to Weed

It seems that whenever I do updates for SportsbyBrooks lately, I not only forget to mention it to you but also neglect to post anything here at all.

While I thought about blaming my mental lapses on my hair color, that's a cop out. When I wasn't actively earning my salary, I spent the free time in my office writing on SbB, laying on my couch to watch "Murder, She Wrote," and putting a new dart board on the back of my office door. From there came make-believe time where I hussled random men at bars by throwing over my shoulder and around my waist...

Without beer, my skills are a bloody disaster.

Anyway, you may now realize that I remembered to toss up a post before the night ran out. As such, please oblige me by checking out SportsbyBrooks today where you can catch me passing judgment on the following nuggets:

• Clinton Portis is getting Flavor Flav's sloppy seconds... pardon me while I vomit
• ESPN's Michael Smith wins this week's Superlative Headline Challenge
• Great quarterbacks to Ben Roethlisberger: it's just a bad stretch, buddy
• A high school soccer player busted her opponent in the mouth during post-game handshakes and gets arrested... a girl after my own heart
  
• West Virginia to beef up its 2009 schedule with new D1-A juggernaut, Western Kentucky
• TonyHomo.com: Drew writes a letter to recently benched Byron Leftwich
• Terrell Owens is baffled as to why his pseudo-narcolepsy pisses off Todd Haley
• College Humor's Top 10 Dirty Plays. Missing: Bertuzzi, Pacers/Detroit, Zidane, NASCAR driver putting his feet through a windshield... Present: Woody Hayes on wanker duty
• John Smoltz, spiritual leadership, and Christian throwback jerseys
  
• AJ Allmendinger & Team Red Bull cross-promote the MLS Cup this weekend at the Dickies 500
• SI.com's Cheerleader of the Week wins Loyalty Award
• David Stern goes to Moscow

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In other news, Ricky Williams paid the price for not following the Athlete Handbook in his dealings with the press. Everyone knows that the first page of the Handbook features the following phrase in bold, 24 point font:

Speak in Cliches!

Ricky broke the rules and screwed himself into a merry-go-round of insanity, as some doofus reporter chose to forego common sense to chase down a non-story.

The reporter wanted to know if the CFL playoffs had a different feel than the regular season and if Williams planned to "turn it on." Ricky responded that he won't... the key to every great player is consistency; there is no turning it on and off.

While many have off games here and there, they don't make a habit of coasting through the regular season and flipping the switch in crunch time. Run of the mill players may operate with this philosophy but the great ones never do... they don't know how.

Sadly, the reporter failed to understand this simple concept and beat Ricky down with stupidity until the former Heisman winner freaked out and ran off on a ganjah bender.

Dennis Dodd Is A Clean-Shaven Tobias Fünke

CBS Sportsline "writer" Dennis Dodd swung and missed yet again, as he placed Auburn's freshman linebacker, Tray Blackmon, in his Top 5 Heisman candidates.

Blackmon's scoop and score sealed Auburn's victory over #2 Florida and he'd be a decent sleeper pick if he'd played more than, oh, one game in his collegiate career.

What's next, Dennis? Bruce Gradkowski for NFL MVP?

Stay tuned next week for more genius from a man aptly described by Blue-Gray Sky as a "clean-shaven Tobias Fünke."

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College football fans may have noticed a slimmer, more stylish Phil Fulmer roaming the Tennessee sidelines.

Over the off-season, the coach widely known as "Fat Phil" lost nearly 30 pounds and even traded in his glasses for a pair of contact lenses.

But like all tales of weight loss, the dieter may have won the battle but Krispy Kreme won the war.

(Fulmer's Belly)

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You can catch the above happenings and quite a few other nuggets in my update today at SportsbyBrooks, so get excited and head over there.  

T.O.'s Logo Openly Mocks Dallas Fans

A few days ago, I fell into a funk and found myself simultaneously bored and lazy. It was unfortunate. But eventually, I transitioned from bored and lazy to just lazy and decided to waste some time with the internets.

While checking out the online store at TerrellOwens.com, something caught my eye -- popcorn. "TO's Exotic Popcorn Getcha Popcorn Ready" popcorn, to be exact. And yes, all of that is the name. One can get 3-1 pound bags of mix and match flavors that sound about as nauseating as all the coverage that whining tart has received all week -- Blackberry Brandy, Fruit Fantasy, Banana, Salt & Vinegar... mmmm, right?

Sure.

I don't mean to add to the T.O. overkill that's out there but this stuff cracks me up. So if you've had enough Owens coverage, click away now.

Still around? Good. Let's roll through some other absurdly priced, obnoxious items that could only be found at TO.com:

• An autographed copy of "T.O." for an appropriately priced $81.00 [Buy the unautographed copy on Amazon for $16.50 (or less)]
• The Fan Club package for $59.00, which gets you a hat, 4 plastic cups, and 5 "free" downloads of his craptastic rap single, "I'm Back." What 5 free downloads gets one fan is anyone's guess, as typically people only download an item once. But I'm sure TO has a perfectly rationalization for this.
  
• Autographed football marked down from $249 to $199. I can do the "Buy it now" on eBay and get a mounted, autographed Jerry Rice ball for $179. T.O., sir, you are no Jerry Rice.
• The Philadelphia Eagles Terrell Owens player replica mini helmet - and it's autographed too! Surprisingly, the price has been knocked down from $129 to that magic number of $81. Perfect for Philly fans looking for something to shoot bullets at during Sundays game.
• Blue & Silver "Terrell Owens" wristbands. It seems T.O. missed the boat on why people have wristbands (you know, that whole charity thing). The $10 you spend on a wristband, however, will give 10 more reasons to be alive.

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In other news, head over to SportsByBrooks and take a gander at a few of my musings for the day. They include:

• Koren Robinson manages the longest drive of the Packers season
• Something interesting happens to Barry Bonds when he doesn't shave his head
• Johnny Drama spotted at Shea Stadium, according to Steve Lyons
• The Seven Deadly Sins are shaping the Super Bowl chase
• Philly fans craft Terrell Owens haikus
• and many more...

John L. Smith, Leader of the Michigan State Implosion Squad

Following their game with Notre Dame last week, a few Michigan State players stood near the 50-yard-line, guarding it from a possible revenge flag planting attempt by the Irish. But with the Notre Dame players too busy singing the Alma Mater with students in a far corner of the stadium, nothing came to pass.

• MLB works with TiVo to boost sales on the West Coast just in time for the playoffs
• Florida State outsources responsibility for the Warchant and other songs for the NC State game this weekend
• Taking a cue from Florida Gators Frosted Flakes, John L. Smith has his own new cereal
• The Atlanta Braves finally knock a team out of the playoffs
• Eva Longoria and Tony Parker break-up... look for Eva on the sidelines of the newest version of the NBA's next great thing in coming weeks
• What do Roger Clemens, soccer moms, and teenage girls that love Laguna Beach have in common?
• Dusty Baker concedes defeat and takes the blame because "someone has to." Pryor and Wood would smack him in the face if they could lift their arms above their shoulders
• and many more...

Teddy Ruxpin and HR Puff'n'Stuff Replace MSU Defensive Coordinator

Notre Dame bloggers at The House Rock Built unearthed what is described as a "the most heinous, depraved descent into that mirky blackness captured by our modern recording equipment."

For nearly 15 minutes, Mike Valenti of AM 1270's The Sports Inferno, makes the long, painful descent into madness, as he reacts to Michigan State's colossal implosion to Notre Dame.

The host goes so far as to suggest that he'd rather have HR Puff'n'stuff with Teddy Ruxpin as an assistant than to have Chris Smeland as a defensive coordinator.

Hopefully Chris Farley Valenti will make a quick recovery... in his van down by the river. 

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When I was listening to that clip for the first time, I went back and forth between hysterics and absolute shock. If Michigan State pulls another Michigan State, I don't know if Valenti will survive the experience. In any case, I'm about 15 hours late in sharing that this nugget along with a few of the following can be found in my update on SportsbyBrooks today:

• Longtime NHL goon, Tie Domi, managed to shack up with a post-Crucial Taunt Tia Carrere even though he looks like he tends bar at the Bada Bing
• A Houston Texans cheerleader claims to be a "rocket scientist"... so that's what they're calling it these days. 
• Bonzi Wells' death wish
• Not even Dr. Seuss could compete with Ron Artest when it comes to droppin' rhymes
• The real reason TO "accidentally overdosed"
• Don't expect to join the Mile High Club if you're flying on American Airlines
• and many more...
  

After a rocky week, things are settling back down for me, so I should be around far more often from now on. I hope the weekend treats all of you well.

Cheers!

Notre Dame Fan Gets Full Body Wax for Tickets

I had a great post on The Arsenal finally coming through on the pitch this year but I broke my nose before I could post it and spent most of yesterday afternoon at the hospital. For the superficial readers, no, my face has not been rearranged and my nose looks fine. The concussion aside, the only downside to this incident are the racoon eyes that I'll be rocking for the next 2 weeks... I look like a domestic abuse poster.

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If you thought injury humbled Kellen Winslow, think again. The tight end, who most recently tore his ACL by going Excite Bike in a parking lot, got into a war of words with Chad Johnson.

Winslow: "My boy, [Leigh] Bodden, is going to shut him down as he did last year. He's the best corner in the league. It's a big challenge for him, but it's also a big challenge for Chad [Johnson], so tell him that."
Johnson: "It's humanly impossible to stop [No.] 85. You are kind of insulting me. I cannot be stopped. Period."

Only one thing would be better than seeing Winslow blown up in the open field again by Randy Starks and that is Chad Johnson scoring and, in the ultimate smackdown, doing a motorcycle dance near the Browns sideline.

Anyway, checkout my update today at SportsbyBrooks where you can see a lot of tits and my take on other nuggets like:

• Phil Mickelson fires caddy and hires a remote control golf bag
• Llloyd Carr: You're on Notice!
• Notre Dame fan gets full body wax for tickets
  
• Chubby Cox and the Top 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports
• Some "pay for play" football programs aren't hold up their end of the deal
  
• Thai Olympic boxing champion sent to Cuba to curb partying ways
• An Ohio State male cheerleader (a backup, mind you) runs down 3 people while drunk driving
• The "Raider Shoulder"
  
• and many more...

PS. If you came here looking for the article about the Notre Dame fan getting a full body wax for tickets, click here for a video of the incident.

Mike Vanderjagt Retains Title as King of the Galactically Stupid

If you thought the prospect of Mike Vanderjagt no longer running his mouth would end when he left Indianapolis, think again.

In an interview with the Star-Telegram, the kicker shares that though he understands why he's perceived as the loudmouth, idiot kicker, he is tired of a reputation that is inflated and largely undeserved.

"It wasn't an altercation. It was one sentence by one guy and one sentence by another guy," Vanderjagt said. "Are you kidding me? That's my career?"

Newsflash, Mike: You're a kicker. You're lucky we know you at all!

You'd think he'd shut his face but oh no, after lamenting his label as a loudmouth idiot, he shoots off again:

"Indy does not know what they are missing. They took for granted they had the most accurate kicker in NFL history," he said. "They had to go sign the best kicker [Adam Vinatieri] in NFL history to replace [me]."

One day, when Vanderjagt's hair bleach stops seeping into his brain, he may realize that the difference between the "best" and the "most accurate" kicker is that the best saves his clutch kicks for the playoffs, not "Late Night with David Letterman."

Anyway, this nugget and more can be found on my update today at SportsbyBrooks, where I try to get witty about:

• Chipper Jones ties a 79-year-old record.. good thing ESPN covered the game or they would've missed it
• David Wright and the Faith Healers
• The Kinesiology major, saving lives, one illiterate at a time
• Mark Cuban's Tips for NBA Team-Owning Success
• Curt Schilling trolls a Yankees message board and then argues with posters about why he's not a shithead [he also can't seem to correctly operate the "quote" function]
• and many more...

Don't Stop the Referee Now

The morning entertainment can be found in my update at SportsbyBrooks where I run off at the mouth about:

• Don't Stop the Referee Now with Queen - quite possibly the funniest soccer-related "music video" that I've had the pleasure to witness. Turn up your volume (not too high) and brace yourself.
• Joe Mikulik puts Lou Pineilla to shame with, what must be, the greatest nutout in the history of baseball
• Major League Baseball licenses "team caskets" for fans
• Warren Sapp signs on to franchise HipHop SodaShops where you can get sandwiches like "The Makavelli's Last Suppah," "MC's Hammajamma," and "Ja Rula's TunaMeltdown"
• Your favorite French newspaper, Le Monde, is back for a new round of doping charges against Lance Armstrong
• and many more

I Wish Dwyane Wade Spelled His Name Correctly

So the Heat pulled it off - congrats to them. I didn't have a clearcut favorite, so when the game was coming to a close, I spent most of the time focusing on my various petty dislikes (and baseless likes) of various players and using that as reasons to cheer for one side or the other.

First, I wanted to see Shaq get another ring because I hate Kobe Bryant.. but oh look, Gary Payton's on that team! That wanker can go fuck himself! He deserves nothing but a kick in the face! Go Mavs! Oooh, Alonzo Mourning, I've loved him since his rookie year. What a great person he is. Go Heat! Mark Cuban really deserves this. Plus, it'd be hilarious watching David Stern hand over the trophy. The old man would probably say "fuck it" and leave the arena with it before the ceremony. Go Mavs! Aww but Dwyane Wade! He's such a great guy - like Mourning. Even if his commercial about falling 7 times and getting up 8 makes no sense whatsoever and he does spell his name wrong [that spelling doesn't even make sense!! How do you mess up Dwayne? It's like me spelling my last name Wraner and having the nerve to pronounce it Warner as if nothing was out of place. That's not allowed! At first I thought his spelling was some typo but nope - he's actually Dwyane, Jr., which means he's the 2nd generation of not doing it right. Even Shaquille's name is spelled in a way that you'd expect and his name is ridiculous!!], can we hold that against him?

Needless to say, I'm an idiot and after the game, I'm pretty sure I flipped over to the Golden Girls and sat around with Matt trying to figure out what re-re headlines would show up on ESPN and CNNSI - I went with Hot Hot Heat. ESPN went with Hot Flash... should've known. In any case, check out my update at SportsbyBrooks where I get witty and/or catty about:

• New Zealand butterface with giant rack runs on to rugby match in bikini. Butterface auctions bikini. Ex-boyfriend wants the profits.
• Lost in Thought during Game 4, starring Anna Kournikova & Enrique Iglesias
• If the NBA can't change the rules to be fair, Cuban would sell "in a heartbeat"
• American soccer players are tougher than everyone else
• Caddychicks.com - for when you're tired of the only T&A on the golf course being that of your golf partner and Phil Mickelson
• The Chinese prove their love for the vajayjay... I knew that "women's rights problem" was a big sham.
• and more...

I'll be back kids. You don't really think I'd let the England-Sweden match go without whining and crying in an agony of hopeless grief like the hypercritical limey I am, do you?

Cheers!

Out Magazine Loves Notre Dame Football

Out Magazine lists its nominees for the 8 hottest athletes in sports and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn, Tom Zbikowski, and (surprisingly) Jeff Samardzija make the list. Manchester United footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo is also there, which suits my fancy since I often think about tying him up with Arsenal products and doing bad things to him while he lays there, helpless and naked.

But something I don't understand is the inclusion of Ringo Starr lookalike Brodie Croyle. Somehow he bests delicious pieces like Jason Taylor and absurdly flamey, clambaking, pirate Rafael Nadal -- why they aren't on the list while Croyle makes it is beyond me but I'm not a gay man, so who's to know. 

What I do know is that as much as I like Brodie Croyle, his presence in the top 8 makes me question the judgment of the people at out.com, as well as their poll.

I don't even know why I'm telling you punks this; it's not like you care.

In any case, check out my update at SportsbyBrooks today where you can find my musings on the above, as well as:

• Chris Henry arrested for the fourth time in 7 months... who's here to save the day? Michael Irvin (no really)
• OLL capitalizes on airing yet another sport no one gives a damn about
• Lastings Milledge Facts
• The rights to Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s name are controlled by his step-mother who charges him a fee for its use
• FEMA pays for New Orleans Saints season tickets
• plus many more...

US Soccer Needs A New Logo

Because Tomas Rosicky and the Czech Republic pissed all over this one.

When the only World Cup team that you can manage to outplay is Iran, you have a serious problem. Iran's JV-level keeper had a reaction time like my Nana. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the selection committee ran out of real players and fielded half the squad with random folk that they picked up off the road. But you know something? They played with heart. They got after it. They did everything in their power to bring a little pride to their nation and that's something one can respect.

But not the United States.

Anyone with half a clue knew they were overhyped and overrated going in but never has a team had more to gain and even more to lose in World Cup competition. The fervor for US soccer could not have been higher and the hype and anticipation had more Americans than ever ready to embrace the game. But rather than seize the moment and show this nation just what their ignorance has caused them to miss, the squad walked onto the pitch and wet themselves. And it wasn't just inexperienced players, as Claudio Reyna would have people to believe in the post-game. It was the veterans - Reyna, Pope, Gooch, Donovan, McBride, Beasley. And when the chips were down, the ones fighting so hard for soccer's legitimacy were no where to be seen.

When they get home and wonder why no one gives a damn about this sport, they can point the fingers at themselves. Winning it all wouldn't have moved footie to the mainstream but a great showing could have been the jumpstart US Soccer has needed for so long. Instead, they reminded the majority of Americans exactly why "soccer sucks." 

But enough of that. In my SportsbyBrooks update today, you can find a comment on the above (shortened by about 1,000 words), as well as 10 other bits, which include:

• Ben Roethlisberger learns the motorcycle helmet lesson the hard way
• Real men "LUV" tennis
• Gamers lobby to become the new Olympic demonstration sport, aiming toward Beijing '08
• Who's the hottest fan at the World Cup?
• Notre Dame's Tommy Zbikowski makes his pro fighting debut

Playboy All-American Weekend, Sponsored by Schmitt's Gay

Until last year, I believed that the Playboy All-American Weekend was three days of boobs, boobs, and a brief photo shoot when everyone needed a cool down from the boobs. But it seems that I was way off, as the only boobs to be found are the supple numbers found on offensive linemen. In my update today at SportsbyBrooks, you can read up on that, as well as my musings on a few other things, which include:

• Jeff Francouer - the last player to figure out Jeff Francouer
• A Texas Longhorns player sells his National Championship ring on eBay
• Duke Women's Lax squad raises awareness 3 months too late
• The scout that discovered Albert Pujols is where...?
• Rockstar Games releases Grand Theft Auto: Table Tennis
• and more

I also had a great link on the widely circulated Avery Johnson incident where I brought back the adorable "He got injured... injured bad" boy. Well, it didn't make it past the editor's cyber desk but since I'm such a pip, have a laugh at both videos:

You know what Avery Johnson did? He hit Josh Howard in the penis!

He was injured... injured bad!

$1000 Mint Juleps & Tom Brady's Mancrush

After exposing myself as a fool yesterday (in many parts of my life, not just here), I don't know how many of you are still reading but for the returnees, thanks for coming back :)

I don't have much for you this morning but I'm in the middle of creating a homemade mint julep in celebration of the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby (this simple sugar bull is taking some time) and will report on that success (or failure) later. For now, you can catch all of my one liners and opinions at SportsbyBrooks.com where I wax poetic on such matters of import as:

• The Cruzin Cooler - the safest way to drink and drive
• Brian Billick and a toddler team up to snag Steve McNair from the Titans
• When Tom Brady gets advice from Doug Flutie, the old man also treats him to a Werther's Original
• Who knew Knute Rockne, Jim Thorpe, Pop Warner, and Tad Jones were ever in the same room together, let alone signing footballs as a group?
• Like Britney Spears, Jennie Finch condems her unborn child to a life of dipping Skoal
• and many more...

*UPDATE: I've been to the Derby many times and have had a couple mint juleps since turning 21. Though I'm usually a big fan of nearly anything that leaves me with impaired judgment and a strong desire to get naughty, the julep might be the last thing on my list of ways to get to that place. Having said that, I've never made one myself, so I figured why not -- maybe I can discover a hidden talent for making the drink NOT taste like fermented mare strained through a rugger's jock. 

I went to derbypost.com and got instructions for The Official Call to the Derby Post Mint Julep. Since I respect myself, I had a bottle of Maker's Mark on hand and after picking up some mint from the gourmet place and a cup of shaved ice from the snow cone place down the way, I set to work. Once complete, I got started on MY version of the $1000 Julep that I listed on SbB; the primary ingredient was peppermint discs. Here's my call:

• The Official Call to the Derby Post Mint Julep
• Ingredients: Approximately 10 sprigs of fresh mint, 2 cups of natural spring water, 2 cups of granulated sugar, crushed ice, 1 bottle of Maker's Mark
• Thoughts while creating: "Being in possession of sprigs of fresh mint makes me feel like a douchepump." "Why can't crushed ice be the norm? I hate giant cubed ice."
• Verdict: Ehhhhh. While it doesn't taste like Robitussin, all I can think is that I just ruined a good glass of Maker's Mark. Thumbs down.
  
• Flash's $1000 Mint Julep
• 5 Peppermint discs, 2 cups of tap water, 2 cups of Domino sugar from the cupboard, crushed ice, Fifth of Jim Beam
• Thoughts while creating: Nothing. Totally blank.
• Verdict: Mmmmm. It tastes like a shot I did a few times in a row called a Flaming Eskimo.. Rumple Minz, Jim Beam, and a touch of fire. The biggest plus is that it'll get me exactly where I want to go and I didn't have to set $1000 in cash on fire.
• Total Cost: $9.89

Clearly, Flash's $1000 Mint Julep is the winner (what'd you expect?!). In any case, happy weekend to all. Cheers and Happy Cinco de Mayo! 

The Hooligan League: Polish Soccer Thuggery At Its Worst

“We will come together for our national cause. We think only of beating the ‘hools’ from Germany first — because we hate them — and the ones from England because they have the reputation of being the best hools, because they invented it. If we beat them we will be considered the best.” - Marek, 29, a father of a year-old child.

“Tell the English fans we are coming to Germany to hunt them down. We will come for them silently and quickly. We hate the Germans and we will fight with them. We admire the English because of their reputation. That’s why we will fight with them. We want to take their reputation as the best fighters.” - A second hooligan who carried a knife with a 5in blade and a rubber hosepipe filled with sand

The Sunday Times of London is reporting that violent Poles armed with knives, axes, and three foot truncheons have established a "hooligan league." I know it may be hard for you to believe but the hooligan league is not all fun and games. It's basically a fancy name for mob violence, as crazy Polish fans go out of their way to terrorize and assault unwitting fans from rival countries for five weeks during the World Cup. Amazingly enough - they actually have a chief target. And no, it's not the Italians, whose fascists and neo-Nazi rowdies are known the world over. It is England... the Hooligans are seeking "pre-arranged fights" with the pride of Brittania because of their reputation as "the best of the worst." [Allow me a moment to shed a tear out of pride.]

These props are all well and good but one group of thugs has warned that if the English "ignore invitations to fight, they will be attacked anyway."

Hmm. I wonder where the Polish learned that way of thinking. In light of that, it's ironic that a group like this is heading IN to Germany, isn't it? In any case, check out my Wednesday update for SportsbyBrooks where you can catch this little diddy and:

• Airborne porn with FHM models
• Atlanta Braves fans petition Selig to disallow Time Warner's sale of team to Liberty Media
• Football 101 for Women with the Oklahoma State staff
• Kansas City Royals fan sells his loyalty on eBay and still can't afford an X-Box 360
• and more...

Clinton Portis Explains Differences Between Black & White Porn

So I suppose it's time to get things rolling around here again. I trust you all had a happy Spring/Easter/Neverending Passover/fill in blank holiday weekend. My cravings for a sausage mcmuffin notwithstanding, things went well with my family until Sunday came around. My mom invited some family friends over for dinner and tried to call it an interfaith meal when the only difference between that day and when people come over for dinner on other days was the presence of some matzah and cheese blintzes... I guess that made all the difference. In any case, while waiting around for some food, this geezer named Maury approached me and said, "I haven't seen you since you were a fat tike, rippin and runnin. Boy you're not fat anymore! You used to be a bowling ball with fat rolls on your arms." He then grabbed my cheek between his fingers and squeezed and shook until my skin got loose. Then he asked me if I had started "courting." When I said yes, he told me that "well you're gonna have a great time in high school then! I know I did!" For some reason, that put a real dent in my day. But let's move on!

Check out my latest update at Sportsbybrooks.com today where you can find goodies like:

• YesButNoButYes's Top 10 Female Streakers of All-Time
• A Pennsylvania tv station axes airing the home opener of a baseball team because baseball isn't appropriate for Good Friday... but Tom Cruise was!
• The Women of NASCAR get a website
• The Buddy Christ helps an Aussie golfer to his first victory
• Clinton Portis discusses porn, racial profiling, and Ken Dorsey "breakin down the soccer team"

When Portis was playing for Denver, I couldn't stand the guy. He was cocky, obnoxious, and all of the whining about the chip on his shoulder could only be tolerated for so long. But since he's moved to DC, he's become a lot more fun. Though still cocky and obnoxious, he's traded in bitching about being a second-round pick for exposing himself as a hilarious, inarticulate buffoon with great stories. The guys that interview him here - the Sports Junkies of WJFK in DC - are complete douchebags and there were a few moments where I actually felt bad for Portis. It's not that the guys weren't funny... it just seemed like they were openly mocking him at some points because they knew he wasn't intelligent or perceptive enough to figure it out. That said, their behavior doesn't change the fact that Portis' stories and "insights" were priceless... a highlight for me, aside from learning the differences between black and white porn [the big key is conversation & story lines for white porn vs. "whoooo I'm wore out" being the only thing said in black porn], was learning that Ken Dorsey was "breaking down the soccer team." I've heard conflicting stories about Dorsey's days at the U but it was awfully nice to hear that those braindead cunts on the Miami soccer team were lining up to get worked over by a guy that looks like a shaved bird.

Hey Jesse Jackson, What Took So Long?

I'm a little surprised at how long it's taken the good Reverend to be spurred into action but let's all be glad the syringe business with Barry Bonds has given him proper motivation to get involved (this is sarcasm). Jackson said Bonds has been treated unfairly by those who accept as fact accusations that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Maybe Jackson should take interest in clearing Bonds name then, rather than shaming others from criticizing him. In any case, Jackson also believes (surprise, surprise) that the anger Bonds faces is largely fueled by racism, as Bonds stands on the heels of the Babe's magical 714. "For example, the closer Hank Aaron got to Babe Ruth's record, the more violence and hate mail he received." Hank Aaron received 3,000 (mostly racist) letters a day when he started closing in on the Babe, but I'll bet that whatever Bonds is getting from white supremacists and illiterate, hilljack racists pales in comparison to what The Hammer faced in the summers of 1973 and 1974. People hated Aaron just because he's black and while that's also true for Barry, more people hate him because he's a cheating git. He's a diva and he's an asshole and that goes way beyond race. If it was Ken Griffey, Jr chasing down the Babe (and it should've been), he'd get his death threats and hate mail but when he stepped to the plates at the stadiums around this country, he'd have been met with nothing but warm praise. Why? Because Ken's a likeable guy with an infectious smile who's NOT cheating. Anyway (I really rambled there), I have an update at SportsbyBrooks.com today, which includes a quip on the Bonds-Jackson issue and many more like: 

• Premier League striker, Kevin Kyle of Sunderland, held his baby on one knee and a boiling jug of water on the other. Think his balls made it out of that situation unscathed?
• Brigid Mullen - bartender, cocktail waitress, library assistant, free safety in the WPFL, and new addition to the SI On Campus stable of talent
• Ed Nelson of UConn has a rap called "Pickup Truck" - no girls get nutted in the eye during the creation of said track

Check out the goodness and have a great Friday. Cheers!

USC Football Has Found Its Paper Trojan

Well kids, I was planning to treat you with my Monday update for SportsbyBrooks but things have yet to update over there, so I guess I'll just fill you in on what's supposed to be going on :)

• The Duke lacrosse team is coming under fire for a gangbang rape investigation ... expect white boy rap to surface soon
• DNA Tests Ordered for Duke Athletes
• Woman who reported rape by Duke students said she was scared
• Duke Suspends Lacrosse Games Pending Legal Resolution
• Even if you're not the most athletic of men, with the click of a mouse, you'll be able to get one of three girls to strip for you if you make five penalty kicks in a row
• Ben Johnson, Canada's most infamous cheater and former track star, is now pimping Cheetah Energy Drinks.
• USC has found our generation's George Plimpton... Paper Trojan and all that
• The Simpsons clown on Notre Dame football.. Notre Dame fans become their own stereotype and overreact
• and more..

I'll be back later.. after some food and a nap. Cheers!

 *UPDATE - SbB has been updated so check it out.*

John Kruk: The Yankees Will Win 130 Games

Kruk also predicted that Robinson Cano, with his 522 ABs and .297 BA, will be one of the greatest Yankees of all time, so it looks like we're off to a smashing beginning in the realm of Baseball Analyst Retardation (BAR). Just wait until other BAR participants like Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver start weighing in... it's gonna be a helluva year! You can find my thoughts and smart ass opinions for the day on SportsbyBrooks, where I wax not quite poetic on:

• The English National Team may have to rely on replacement hooligans to create a ruckus during the World Cup.
• Tony Parker is inexperienced in the sack AND wants to get married before he makes babies. Responsibility is for losers... just ask Eva.
• Tiki Barber... shill for Fox News :(
• Cheaterclothing.com - when booing Barry Bonds just isn't enough.
• and many more..

Hmm.. those just don't sound as exciting when I list them like that! Well, since there's nothing to lose, check out my stuff anyway... there are boobs there... I swear it.

Group Love: Eva Longoria, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, & Jessica Simpson

• Mrs. Tony Parker gets down with Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Eva Mendes?
• Terrell Davis, Rod Smith, and other mental giants get taken in financial scam by a snake oil salesman
• Destination Hoth. The ficitious Star Wars planet aims to become the host planet for Winter Olympics 2014
• A tennis father drugs his children's competitors with depression pills
• University of Tennesee basketball player draws the line when teammates arrested for crack possession
• A Cal State Fullerton softball player deludes herself into thinking she's hot and then advises, "hating me doesn't make you beautiful."
• many more..

SportsbyBrooks: The FSU Cowgirl Returns

So Jenn Sterger, the FSU cowgirl that caused Brent Musburger to jizz himself during a 2004 broadcast of the Miami-FSU game, has resurfaced. She'll be appearing in the next issue of Maxim with her friends who are not only less attractive but also have inferior boob jobs. For advance Maxim shots, as well as links to her Facebook and Fan Sites, go over to SportsbyBrooks. There you can catch Sterger along with the rest of my Tuesday update, which includes:

• The Stanford Tree blows a .157 BAC and then gets suspended
• Lindsay Jacobellis (showboating snowboarder) should be waiting on Southwest Airlines sponsorship
• Soccer players are pussing out again
• The Coaching Tree of Suck: Mike Krzyzewski's minions infect college basketball
• Ricky Williams - it was entrapment!
  

Ron Artest: The Kings Need a Nicotine Victory Patch!

• The Pot & Kettle Diaries: Tim Brown on John Madden's mediocrity
  
• Antwaan Randle El doesn't realize his previous glory days occurred on the "gridiron" at Indiana University
• From Hooters to a swimsuit calendar: Eastern Tennessee State's lessons on staying classy really impact Kimberly Sams
• David Beckham will so go all Marky Mark with Calvin Klein
• Ron Artest: "The Kings need a nicotine winning patch"
• and much, much more

Chicks Wrestle for Maxim to Decide Super Bowl XL

• Why does Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson ranks #8 on GQ's Ten Most Hated Athletes List?
• Physically, developmentally or mentally disabled people aren't just Steelers fans, they make the Super Bowl Edition Terrible Towels.
• Meet Seven Barber, nemesis of Seven Costanza
• Pats fan tries to hold Doug Flutie's dropkicked ball for ransom
• Lawrence Taylor embarrasses Michael Jordan
• and much more.. well.. 5 more.
  

Cane Me. I Read Jay Mohr Again.

• Peter Frampton gave Denny Neagle head
• Brent Petway: Michigan Wolverines baller and worst rapper known to man
• Who's "the rich white guy" in the Pennsylvania gubernatorial campaign?
• Princeton tries to disassociate itself from Bill Cowher
• The USA Rock Paper Scissors League
• and more safe for work goodness.

The two Earls (Boykins) play with a kid named Carmelo. Carmelo? Like the candy bar? I can see family day at the Pepsi Center now, "Hi, I'm Carmelo. This is my little brother, Nutrageous."

Some NBA parents seem to like French pronouns. Take, for example, LeBron James. Translated from French, this would be "The Bron," which would make his name Bron, which is what everyone calls him anyway. I have a question, though: If LeBron's mom had a baby girl, would the world have welcomed a LaBron?

Bonzi Wells may or may not have been named after a tree. Does he have a brother named "Birch"? Is he related to Charles Oakley? These are mysteries we may never know the answers to.

Even Jeff Garcia Thinks Matt Hasselbeck Looks Gay

• Anna Benson's plan to "christen"Camden Yards
• Jerome Bettis' possible post-NFL career as long snapper coach for Notre Dame (yeah, I know - wtf?)
  
• The petition to turn Super Bowl Monday, or Day After Big Game Day, into a national holiday
• Troy Polamalu and Norah Jones, separated at birth?
• and more..

SportsbyBrooks Update

• Phil Simms, Ed Hochuli, and the gun show
• EDSBS's "Are You Michael Vick" quiz? It could be you
• Tobey Bryan's Backcourt Violation - Kobe's truth is good for porn fiction
• SPiN's Hottest Significant Other Tournament features 31 Playmates, Penthouse Pets, models, athletes, and... Steffi Graf
• Chelsea's Joe Cole gets a right beating over a hairdresser with 34DD's
  
• an