Recently in SportsbyBrooks Category

The jig is up, kids.

Boss recently discovered that I have a weekly Friday installment at Sports by Brooks and he was not down with the conflict of interest. After a long discussion where he talked and I stared at him while thinking about the bowl of Lucky Charms growing soggy on my desk, we decided (as in, he decided and I nodded my head) that it was best for me to resign my little post.

So head over to check out my last day of work and ogle some boobies while you're at it because you're stuck over here from now on and I won't be showing you tits (mine or anyone else's) before each installment of anger and sarcasm.

In other news, the Giants and Dolphins are the two unlucky teams slated to travel to London this fall for a gridiron battle in front of rugby fans with nothing better to do.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the whole point of this overseas madness to broaden the reach of the game - gain some new fans, sell some more jerseys?

If so, how did the NFL ever rationalize scheduling such a snoozer at Wembley Stadium?

If their reasoning is that there's no use in sending a marquee team (or a team with a marquee player) because England is owned by soccer, rugby, and cricket - fine. I can accept that. Should that be the case, then sending the Giants actually sounds like a good idea. They won't be able to put Tiki on parade and give the English a sense of Johnny Wilkinson but they can showcase Eli and then sell both his and Peyton's jerseys in the concourse. It's like a two-fer. Most of the English won't know the difference and will simply assume that they're buying home and away kits for the same bloke.

But if they're trying to give this whole "real men play football like Americans!" display, then send out some real teams! Or at least a real player! You can't come correct showing up with Eli Manning, Ronnie Brown, and a guy on the DL that does bizarre commercials with Subway Jared! Having been knocked out of playoff contention by the end of October, the Dolphins will be wholly uninspired and the Giants will be in the process of commencing their annual 5-game skid. But now that I've talked this out, maybe that's what the NFL is on about... this whole plan is like killing four birds on a wire with a shotgun - give the English a little pickle tickle, take Jeremy Shockey out of the trailer park and get him a little culture, and make a few dollars all without destroying any real team's hope at a Super Bowl run!

I think I get it now. Bravo, NFL! 

In new business, I had an update at Sports by Brooks today (Monday), so click over and ogle or peruse or whatever adjective you fancy.

In complaining business, I'm supposed to be in J-Bay (Jeffrey's Bay), South Africa right now surfing, strutting, and showing the beached masses what I've got. But due to a painfully unfortunate event last week, my boss has put a delay on my 5-week vacation, leaving me trapped in this hole for at least three more days. Though this move has nothing to do with me (I'm not the one that sucks), it's become necessary that I be around for various meetings and functions, so I'm now boarding to work in a painful mixture of sleet and rain when I should be on a wave taunting sharks with my stems... it's just not fair.

In an effort to make things fun for myself, I decided to go beach in my office this afternoon. After coming back from lunch, I snuck to the restroom and slipped on my swimsuit. Then I went to my office and shut the door. Though my skateboard wasn't the same as a surfboard, I stood on it anyway... trouble is, my carpet doesn't allow much in the way of rolling, so I sat at my desk for the better part of two hours before admitting to myself that I am a truly pathetic creature.

But moving on.. I know I have no hand when bringing up this subject but I can't say there's anything more satisfying right now than watching Cheaty McSweatervest, Troy S-myth, and ESPN shit the bed on national television. My hatred for Urban Meyer is pretty strong, so if I had my way, a bomb would have dropped on the stadium around the time the Ohio State Marching Band was ironically playing the theme song from Titanic during the halftime show. But since that wasn't a strong possibility, I didn't know what to do or for whom to cheer...

I knew I wanted Urban Meyer to die in a fire, I knew I wanted Columbus to tear itself apart in a frenzy of fear, misery, and madness, and I knew that I wanted the media's polishing of Troy Smyth's knob for finally becoming a leader after years of being a corrupt, money-taking asshole to end... But I suppose two out of three ain't bad. Besides, there's still plenty of time for number 1 to go down, right? :)

All the same, congratulations to Chris Leak and the Florida Gators, as well as Darren McFadden, who should be receiving his Heisman Trophy from Troy Smyth any day now.

This post is dedicated to John, an ace chap from the great state of Washington who spends his days eating apples and creating acoustic magic. Here's to your fix, mate.

So it's been about a month since I posted with any regularity and then I went and lied to you by promising to be back two days ago. Well kids, I'm finally here to deliver. After four weeks of being completely up against it and having it end in humiliating futility, I'm on vacation and ready to yak at you.

I've missed far too much to comment on it now but I'll touch on a couple of the more irritating things that happened to me over the break..

I went down to Indianapolis a few weeks ago to watch the Colts and Bengals duke it out on Monday Night Football. I'm not a fan of either team but I'm not one to pass up tickets to what was supposed to be a solid contest. So we're in our seats for about a minute when this drunken reprobate shows up in the preceding row with a $12 beer. It took him about a minute to turn around and shout "WHO DEYYYYY!" in my face with breath so strong that it singed my noise hair and made my eyes water. He was rank. Absolutely foul. He was an abomination. And he danced to that goddamn Who Dey chant for the better part of a half hour. When the game finally started, he sat down and took off his coat. That's when I noticed this - the epitome of all jersey offenses:

Lemme tell you something, Bengal fan. It is the complete assclown, and he alone, that sports the number 69 after graduating from high school. But it is another person entirely who does so on an authentic NFL jersey that also has HMFIC on the back. After taking a picture of it, I gave him a tap and asked for a definition. "Acronyms aren't really my strong suit," I said. "Baby baby baby, I am the H.M.F.I.C. I am the HEEEEEAD Motherfucker in CHAHHH-GE!... WHO DEY!! WHO DEY!! WHO DEY THINK GON-" You get the rest. Up until that point, I had remained fairly calm with this twat's antics but that really was the last straw. What bothered me even more is that if anyone in this situation was supposed to be the head motherfucker in charge, I assure you, it was definitely me - who was acting as the sober, sane one for once in my life.. I spent the better part of the night eating nachos and fantasizing about kicking him in the teeth. But on the plus side, I made a brief "appearance" on Sports Center, as a highlight was shown of a Bengal fumble recovery that occurred directly in front of my seat. While chumpy engaged in song and dance, I stared at him with hateful disgust. Huzzah (kinda).

Beyond that, I can't recall anything of note that occurred - well nothing that I need to weigh in on 15 days after the fact, at least.

Let's see... I have an update at SportsbyBrooks, so check that out. Aside from obvious snippets about Art Shell and Bill Cowher, you can also check out the Daniela Cicarelli (Ronaldo's ex-wife) sex video, a Utah boy that found hardcore porn in a case of Madden 07, and from the "Like Clay Aiken, Some Schmo is Getting Hotter Ass Than You" Files, Jim Lampley got drunk, zooted, and then administered a beatdown on his girlfriend - Miss California 2003. I like to assume that the poor girl said something that reminded Lamps of Larry Merchant and he lost his head.

The most important news of the day is that the Art Shell experiment has come to an unceremonious end. It seems he had a meeting with Al Davis and the two came to the mutual agreement that Shell move into the front office rather than continue to pilot the Raiders on a way ship to hell. When Davis hired Shell, I posted that this is how the process made me feel:

And after a season of the Hall of Fame tackle, it's as if the goalpost came to life and smacked me around as well. But I'm not mad at Art Shell for this disaster. Hell, I'm not even mad at Al Davis. I am angry with the Angel of Death who continues to spurn my pleas for aid where Davis' lifespan is concerned... filthy git.. He's probably a Chargers fan.

Do you ever think you're gonna have a slow week at work where you can catch up and get everything squared away but then get smacked in the face with unforeseen bullshit?

It's not that I can't handle it or that I have some unrealistic view of the working world (if that's what you even call this). But I've been looking forward to finals week for a while... no players, no training sessions, just me getting clear. And yet I end up at work at 5 am and I didn't leave until 6:30. That was okay LAST week but not this one!! Ugh. somebody needs to call the waaambulance to pick up my sorry arse and dump me somewhere to whine it out.

Anyway, I've covered for Paul Katcher on Sports by Brooks for the last two weeks, so I've been doing Wednesdays in addition to my regular Friday routine. As such, I kindly request that you check out the goods --

• I got creative with photoshop and found a trio of fans for the NBA's old "new" basketball
• The Rainbow Warrior plants the seed in Ingrid Vandebosche
• Joey Porter calls Kellen Winslow a fag, offends gays, apologizes to gays, reiterates opinion that Winslow is still a fag (and soft, too)
  
• Former Marquette coach Al McGuire's Rules for Marriage involves delivering bad news on your way to the bathroom
• Ohio State fan fires the first youtube rap strike at the Florida Gators
• Brazil bids for 2014 World Cup... start the riot fires now
• Luminescent displays on basketball jerseys show individual stats
• Notre Dame leads BCS teams in eBay sales while Boise State has sold less items than the state has militia groups
• Tampa Bay Devil Rays find their new DH
• Big Ten smokes SEC in AP All-America selections
• Maxim Online's Hockey's Toughest Bastards

Major League Baseball will stage its inaugural "Civil Rights Game" this spring in Memphis, the home of the National Civil Rights Museum and the city where Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968.

The defending World Series champion St. Louis Cardinals will play the Cleveland Indians in an exhibition at AutoZone Park.

I'm pretty sure this means that Chief Wahoo, a fiery red, hook-nosed, wildly grinning caricature that is about as politically correct as a depiction of two black children in overalls with big eyes and big lips eating watermelon will play in a Civil Rights game...

During the broadcast, look for Joe Buck to boast new Fox Sports technology that will show viewers exactly how many rotations per second Dr. King is spinning in his grave.

In other news, yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of Le Trade, the 5-player deal that changed the NHL and sent Patrick Roy from the Montreal Canadiens to the Colorado Avalanche and legend status.

For those who need a recap, tensions between Roy and then Habs manager Mario Tremblay came to a head when the goalie was humiliated on home ice by the Detroit Red Wings and their nine goals in 31 minutes (and by Tremblay for leaving him in that long).

I'm just curious - when your colossal cock-up births one of the greatest goalies in NHL history while simultaneously destroying one franchise and building another, do you bother to look for a silver lining or do you slink away to Minnesota where people are too nice to laugh at you?

I assume you know what I'm going to say next but I'm saying it anyway!

Check out my update at SportsbyBrooks today, which features the above goodness, as well as the following nuggets:

• Duke grad finds a way to filter out Dick Vitale from ESPN broadcasts
• Bradford City fanzine creates book on Leeds United achievements... much like David Beckham's book on his international achievements, the pages are blank
  
• George Boateng gives Manchester City's Paul Dickov a run for his money
• Jim Tressel's pussy routine keeps people from noticing that Howard Schnellenberger of Florida Atlantic has no business voting in the coaches poll
• The Onion does Michael Irvin's most famous quotes
  
• Jose Mourinho rushed to hospital after ginormous ego starts hurting his braincase
• Chad Johnson shows Saints Coach Sean Payton why you should never trust a man with gold teeth
• Mr. Irrelevant's Top 40 Sports Figures of 2006
• I miss the days when Derek Jeter and A-Rod were posing for Miami gay singles websites
• Disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson says Carl Lewis had his beer tainted with steroids to gain the gold medal